Learning to Wait

As I was driving this morning, the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United   (click on song title for link to song) came on the radio. Most of us have heard the song at least 175 times, but have y'all ever ACTUALLY sat, listened, and pondered those words?

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

let me walk upon the waters

wherever You would call me

Take my deeper than my faith could ever wander

And my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of My Savior"

Um, I don't know about y'all, but these words are ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING! "Let me walk upon the waters?!!?" Um, no thank you. I like to camp where ground is underneath me and comfortable and life is steady and stable. "Take me deeper than my faith could ever wander"... I mean, NOOOOO! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT COULD MEAN?!

Turns out trusting God is easy when life is easy. Trusting God is easy when you can see Him positively at work and when your life is being filled with things of your heart's desires. When your life plans align with God's plans, it's easy to wake up and give Him an air high-five and say "WOO! GO GOD! THIS IS AWESOME! YOU ARE SO GOOD! WE ARE #BLESSED" But what happens when God pulls and plucks things from your life that you clung ever so tightly to? What happens when He strips you of things that you can't fully understand the meaning behind? Because this is currently the state of my heart. We desperately wanted to stay in Dallas, and in a very long, painful story that at the end of the day really doesn't matter, God, once again, orchestrated that He may have different plans for us. For now. We very well and would love to end up back where we began this journey,  but this very minute, we are living here with no idea what is in store for us. Do we feel like Dustin's NFL journey is over? Absolutely not. We have been so prayerful from day one about asking God to reveal to us when it is time for Dustin to hang up the cleats, and neither one of us feel like now is the time. We don't feel like this journey is over yet.

So where does this leave us? We are          waiting,        waiting,         waiting. As hard as trusting in God can be, waiting on God is even harder. The past 4 days have been BRUTAL. They have been full of fears, tears, anxiety, celebration, heart break, anger towards man and towards God, bitterness, frustration, sadness, and overall confusion. We have wrestled and questioned God while desperately clinging, holding, and pressing into His Word... reminding Him that He has promised He will take care of us.  

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"All things work together for the good of those He love and have been called according to his purpose" -Romans 8:28

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning" -Psalm 30:6

The past four days I have battled. "THIS IS A SICK JOKE. GOD, WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU! WHY US?!!?? WHY DID EVENTS UNFOLD THE WAY THEY DID?!!" And as we have pressed into Scripture, something has become very clear. Being a Christ follower does not mean life will be smooth sailing and maybe a small wave will jostle our boat from time to time. Being a Christ follower actually means the complete opposite. I can't help but think of the story that we all learned in 3rd grade Sunday school about Jesus calming the storm. (see scripture here) But what a picture perfect visual we get that He has LITERALLY calmed storms time and time again. Over and over again, Scripture discusses trials and how to handle them. Why? Because being a Christ follower means we will face trial and trial again.  However, the greater Truth is this: Scripture promises He will bring us through these trials and that from them, we will be more like Jesus.  

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your face produces steadfastness" -James 1:2-3

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us"             -Romans 5:3-5

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world" -John 16:33

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" -Isaiah 41:10

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" -Romans 12:12

Let's be honest. I don't see our situation as joyful. I don't want to celebrate this season of uncertainty. However, what I can celebrate is the hope that there is a Divine purpose behind it all. So as we face this current trial of the unknown, we are learning what it means to wait on God. We don't know the purpose of our current situation, but we know that God is sovereign and in control. We know that we can trust Him, whether that is today, two weeks from now, or ten years from now. We are holding on to the hope that He will see us through this. 

"The Lord is good to those who wait from him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord" -Lamentations 3:25-26

"Blessed are those who wait for him" -Isaiah 30:18

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord" -Psalm 27:14

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain" -1 Corinthians 15:58

A couple that we met through church that have become our dear friends/mentors/marriage counselors/people we have laughed and cried with gave us a devotional book called "Streams in the Desert" and this is a short blurb from yesterday's devotional: (click on book title for link)

"There are two ways of getting out of a trial. One is to simply try to get rid of the trial, and be thankful when it is over. The other is to recognize the trial as a challenge from God to claim a larger blessing than we have ever had, and to hail it with delight as an opportunity of obtaining a larger measure of Divine grace."

ARE. YOU. NOT. MIND. BLOWN!?! How that speaks to my soul! As much as I want answers and want to know what happens next RIGHT NOW, this is an opportunity for us to claim Him more than ever. This is an opportunity for growth and learning how to let Him guide our steps. Right now, the verse that I'm clinging on to is this (coincidentally, given to me by the wife of the above couple): 

 "And the Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear, or be dismayed" - Deuteronomy 31:8

Y'all. God is ahead of Dustin and I. He knows our future and has already written it out.  As fearful as I am of the unknown, how beautiful and sweet it is knowing He will be with us every step of the way. If learning to wait means I get to see more of who He is, then yes, I absolutely am #blessed 

Learning to Trust Lesson #184

I know this may come as a shocker to many... But y'all.. I am a stresser. My whole life I have stressed about grades, perfectionism, punctuality, performance, seeking people's approval, and just uncertainties of this life in general. As much as I feel like I have become less of a worrier due to a LOT of prayer and the Lord helping me and graciously stripping my heart, sin patterns are so hard to break and I still struggle with anxiety and lacking control when it comes to my husband's career. The past month has been FULL of anxiety and stress for me. Will the Cowboys keep Dustin this year? What happens if we leave? We've made this place our home! We love the team and our football family here! We have family here! We have friends here! We have an amazing support system here! I have a job and girls that I love here! My D-Group and our church and people who have fed us and helped us grow spiritually are here! God, PLEASE don't pull us from this place! And my thoughts get wrapped up in holding Dallas so tightly in my hands and not wanting to leave that the tighter I squeeze the more anxious I feel about the thought of leaving. And this cycle of squeezing tighter and tighter leads me to a downward spiral driven by anxiety and stress .

 Watching Dustin play is beyond nerve wracking. Imagine sitting in on your husband's job interview for his dream job... But he's interviewing in front of hundreds of thousands of people.. All of whom have an opinion on whether he is competent enough to do the job and think they can do it better than he can. Imagine sitting, watching, and listening to people analyze your husband's every move and every decision on repeat over and over again, thinking they know every detail that went into the play. As wives of any professional athlete, this is HARD. As women, we sit and watch our men and our future before our very eyes and there is nothing we can say or do to change that. As women, we want control and want to have an opinion on where we live and what our life looks like, but with our husband's careers, we have zero control and all we can do is love and support our men through their struggles, trials, and triumphs.. All while doing it in the public eye. 

As I was reading my Bible tonight, Matthew 6:25-34  jumped out at me and I literally felt like I had been slapped across the face. Being a life long worrier, Matthew 6 has been shown to me at least 100 times.. But tonight's reading of it was different: this time I felt the Holy Spirit opening up my heart in a completely different way. I spend so much of my time in the stands stressing and praying about Dustin's performance. I spend so much energy questioning God and reminding Him "Hey, remember what You have done in our lives so far? Remember how much You have provided for us in ways we don't deserve and how we never actually saw our life taking this unique and amazing path? Yeah, well DON'T FORGET ABOUT US NOW. DON'T FORGET YOU ARE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT US HERE!" and it's like I end up pointing my finger at Him screaming "DON'T YOU DARE ABANDON US!" But, as I stress and pace and wonder and allow my mind to run wild, I can't help but question: am I really trusting Him with this? Does worrying about D's performance make me love Jesus more and stir my affections for Him? Does my soul feel better after it has spent so much time feeling anxious? Absolutely not! Worry and stress are my ways of saying, "God, like, I know you SAY You have it under control.. But do You really? Do I REALLY and TRULY trust You in this process?" Me stressing about us leaving Dallas cannot change anything. Me stressing during games cannot change how Dustin plays or how his coaches feel about him.  What stress can do is say "God, I don't trust You" and it can steal the joy, happiness, and excitement from those around us who have loved, encouraged, and supported us along in this journey. But what if I turned my worry into prayers of joy and thanksgiving and excitement? What if instead of stressing about interceptions and incompletions, I pressed into the Lord and looked to Him for comfort and peace, remembering He is faithful. And as a wife, isn't this the best way I can love Dustin? By encouraging and trusting in his work ethic, ability, and God-given talents? The best way I can support him is by outwardly expressing my joy and satisfaction in this life and that no matter what happens, reminding him that he will always be loved because of the man he is, not because of the number and jersey he wears. A wise friend told me a while back that home is where Dustin and I are together. For now Dallas is our home, but if we were to move, that new place would be our home. The day we said our "I dos" we vowed to be committed to one another no matter what. I vowed to stand up for him, to honor him and to serve him with the same sacrificial love that Christ has for the church. My love for my husband goes way deeper and way beyond his career as a Dallas Cowboy or whatever it will be when this season of life is done. Sure, he's not perfect. Our marriage is NO WHERE close to being perfect. But God has been so faithful to us.. Why would he stop now? Dallas Cowboy or not, I trust that His plans are so much better than my own. They always have been.. So why would this stop now? Sure, we are going to face challenges in this life... We are going to struggle, but I have to remind myself that I serve a HUGE and SOVEREIGN God who already knows where we are going to be this season and 15 seasons down the road. How comforting is it knowing no matter how Dustin plays, His plan for our life will occur?! Dustin could have the best game or worst game and no coach or executive can stop God's plans for our life from occurring. As Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a human heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" As much as we want to stay in Dallas, it is ultimately out of my hands and even out of Dustin's, but our future is in the hands of the Creator of the universe. 

  

 My future is in the hands of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He is faithful to His promises, faithful to His people. And that alone is so reassuring. Cowboys or not.. NFL or not.. He is going to provide for us in ways that He will get the glory and He will be known. As John 3:30 so sweetly reminds me "He must increase but I must decrease" 

MARRIAGE IS AWESOME BUT IS ALSO THE MOST CHALLENGING THING. Can I just express that really quickly? I realize I have absolutely very little wisdom to add to this since I have been married for a whopping year, but in that year I have realized just how great and sanctifying marriage is. Yes, Dustin and I get to do life together, we get to make decisions together (some easy and some hard), we get to see each other every day, we will one day start a family of our own, we know each other on the deepest and most intimate levels and there is nothing about me that Dustin doesn't know about and vice versa. Sure, we get to laugh and have meaningful conversation with each other every day. But over the past year and a couple months, I have been so incredibly thankful for someone who daily encourages me to be more like Jesus. We have had and will continue to have our trials, but during these various trials, I have realized that Dustin's strengths are my absolute weaknesses.  He is always positive, and I tend to be more negative.   He thinks long and hard before he speaks, I say whatever is on my mind and often end up thinking "oh man, I probably shouldn't have said that" then proceed by texting an apology to whomever I offended. His motto in life is "calm and confident".. and mine tends to be "stress and be a nervous nelly all of the time" If our purpose is to glorify our Creator in every aspect of our life, how grateful I am for someone who will stop me dead in my tracks and say "wait, hold on, let's look at this a different way." If marriage is meant to model Christ's love for the church, then we must hold our marriage covenant with the highest regard and it must be characterized by sacrificial, steadfast love, respect, and forgiveness.  Now, lets not get too crazy... there are some days (maybe a lot) that we struggle with this. By NOOOO means do we have a perfect marriage, but hey, its a marathon, not a race, right?! There are many times that we both get sick of each other, disagree, and see things from completely different perspectives. There are times when he drives me crazy and even more times when I drive him crazy. We are both learning some major lessons of patience in this season of life but in completely different ways.  He is going through things that no one who hasn't done what he is doing, can possibly understand. But, as his wife, all I can do is pray for him, love him, encourage him, and do my best to take over the other aspects of our life that he just doesn't have the time or energy to think about. Does he love working while I get to travel, stay home, and enjoy being able to do things that I wouldn't be able to if I was working full time in a hospital? Not really, but he loves being able to provide and he loves knowing I am beyond thankful and happy to be able to do those things I am passionate about outside of nursing. Do I love cleaning, cooking, packing, moving, figuring out all the logistics of life in Dallas? Not really, but I love knowing that when he gets home, he can physically and mentally relax because life at home is calm and fairly under control (minus the smell of burnt cookies--still working on these sub-par baking skills of mine).  Anyway, I am just so thankful for this guy of mine. What an unbelievable journey we have had the past 7 years!

prom '08

DUSTIN MADE THE 53 MAN ROSTER! THANK YOU LORD FOR ALL OF THESE UNDESERVED BLESSINGS!

But, wait, let me backtrack to how he got to this point. So the game in San Diego was absolutely insane! Dustin got in and played with such poise and confidence that it immediately demanded people's attention. To put it lightly, we (Gina, Scott, Dillon, and I) were complete fools. Well, okay, Gina, Dillon, and I were complete fools. Dustin clearly gets his poise from his father (although I know he wanted to scream and act like the rest of us... the doctor in him just makes him better at hiding his emotions in PUBLIC but we all know he was boiling with pride and excitement inside.)  I met a couple of the women after the game (they knew who we were with because we were the idiots in the stands going nuts even though the Cowboys were losing) and the girls ended up staying in Oxnard while I was there. They were SO welcoming and inviting and that really eased some anxiety I had. The Cowboys came home for good on August 15 and played the Ravens the next day. Dustin threw his first TD and of course, we all went insane! They then went down and played in Miami and he got playing time in the fourth quarter to which it was.. well.. just kinda uneventful. He went into a lot of detail about the events of that game but like I have said before, I still have no idea what he is talking about when he talks football with me. To summarize how he felt about the game "it was alright." The fouth preseason game was huge for him as the Cowboys played the Broncos and Dustin played for 2 1/2 quarters. One thing that has been absolutely amazing has been the support we have received from so many people. We have received so many texts, facebook messages, tweets, phone calls, etc. with people expressing their support and love. From our families to our friends to our hometown community to our college communities to people we have never met before, people have let us know how proud they are of Dustin. In fact, we have gotten some good laughs in because the support has been... overwhelming at times. But we know that people have been praying for Dustin and it means the world to us that so many people are excited for us. What a complete blessing to know we have SO many people praying for us and encouraging us along in this journey.  His parents have been so great throughout this entire time and have done such an amazing job of balancing being Dustin's proud parents and respecting him being an adult. That may not make any sense... but it works in my head, so we'll just go with it. But anyway, they are just.. so awesome and I am BEYOND thankful for those two. How I want to pray constantly and love and think of others first as Gina does. How I want Dustin to be just like his dad: wise, patient, and respected by all. Although people can look up articles and watch the Cowboys play, what most people don't see is the journey these players go through on a day to day basis. What a privilege it has been to watch my husband face this battle every single day. He wakes up around 5:30, goes to work, comes home around 5, we talk about our days, he may take a short nap or watch tv for a little bit, we have dinner once Blaine and Sam come home, then he spends the next couple of hours on his iPad watching and re-winding film, and occasionally adding insight to whatever the rest of us are chatting about or doing. This process can be brutal on these guys with the constant "what-ifs" rolling through their mind. I tell Dustin every day how proud I am because I have been been beyond amazed how he has handled the pressure and stress of having a job that can have such a "revolving door" aspect to it. He is confident in his God-given abilities, is beyond smart and such a quick learner, and puts his whole heart and effort into playing for the Dallas Cowboys. Dustin is so patient with this process and is truly the hardest worker I know. So, for those of y'all who are proud.. be even prouder because his hard work, passion, humility, and love for the game is 100% genuine.  He is such an amazing husband who makes sure he hugs and kisses me every day and asks me every day how I am doing with everything. Let me say, I am SO glad he is the one with the job he has and not me.. because there have been days I have been a crying, stressed out, emotional mess.  The over-achieving Courtney who has had her life planned out from day one, has had some major growth this summer learning to completely trust in the Lord's plan for our lives and learning how to be content in every situation... even if that means being 24, unemployed, and being still at home (with a bum foot) more than I would like. Anyway, I could go on and on but that would just embarrass him even more that I probably already have.  So finishing up. Just a fun story to finish with. So two weeks ago, I was walking to the bathroom at night and stubbed my toe on a metal bar stool. Welll... I looked down and my pinky toe was at a 45 degree angle out and completely twisted so my toenail was facing the outside of my foot. Anyway, I laughed and made sure and showed Dustin, Sam, and Blaine before Dustin decided he would put it back into place. (PS. I am the most accident prone, klutz of a human being.. thanks for passing that trait down to me, mom). Well, a couple trips to a doctor's office later, I find out my toe wasn't dislocated, but was broken and Dustin realigned it for me. The orthopedic surgeon I saw said he was very impressed with Dustin's work. So, I guess those years of shadowing Dr. Parker in Amarillo really paid off! Anyway, for those concerned, my toe is still intact and healing well.  DUSTIN IS A DALLAS COWBOY!

Today is the day! Today is the day I get to travel to San Diego and begin my week long Califonia adventure. As I sit on the plane daydreaming while looking out the window, I can't help but praise God for this unbelievable summer. I have been able to do things and be around family that I haven't been able to do in years. I was able to go to Jackson Hole with my family for a while which was UNBELIEVABLY GORGEOUS! Goodness, praise God! How he has made me grow on so many levels but how incredible this journey has been so far. As Rich wisely told Dustin "May this process bring you to your knees" and how true those words have become. I've battled feelings and thoughts of entitlement of "Dustin deserves this", a prideful heart, anxiety, and just not fully trusting God's plan for our lives.  Crazy as it sounds, I've even thought "WHY CAN'T MY HUSBAND JUST HAVE A STABLE JOB THAT WE CAN CONTROL WHERE WE LIVE AND HOW LONG WE STAY IN A PLACE?" AGAIN. CRAZY. As I sit here the day before he plays, my biggest fear is that he won't get an opportunity. At the end of the day, I hope Dustin can smile and say with confidence that he did all he could. Like so many things in life, the hardest part is just getting the chance to prove to others that he does belong and that he can hang with the best. Let the praying from all his prayer warriors continue!

Today is the official start of Dustin's time in California. Two weeks ago we moved in to the spare bedroom at Blaine and Sam's house. The Merrick family was a complete blessing in our lives, but we decided it would be best for my mental sanity to move in with Blaine and Sam while Dustin is gone for a month. Sam is home for the summer since he is a high school football coach/teacher and Blaine is on maternity leave so we figured I probably would have been coming over here every day anyway. During this process, I know I am going to be so thankful to be surrounded and living with Blaine and Sam to help encourage, support, and distract me. I also love that I have been able to see Gracen grow and love being with her every single day. I am continually amazed by how gracious the Lord has been to us and am excited to see what He will continue to do through Dustin in Califonia. The verse that keeps coming to my mind is Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a human heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." As much as I would love to stay in Dallas, I know that we are going to be placed according to His Purpose. What a comfort and joy to know that this whole thing is covered.

On Thursday, June 12, sweet baby Gracen arrived! She was born at 3:16 pm, weighed 9 lbs, 10 oz and was 20 3/4 inches long! Blaine and baby went home a few days after Gracen was born and are doing so great in their new home! Mom stayed in Dallas for over a week and oh my goodness, how I want to learn how to love and serve others as she does! Blaine and Sam moved into their new home when Gracen was a week old (yeah, so not ideal timing), so mom helped pack and move them, cooked dinner, stocked their fridge, cleaned, and ran errands so Blaine and Sam could take time to focus on themselves and baby. I am so beyond thankful for that woman in my life and how I so want to be just like her! Dustin finished his last mandatory practices a couple days ago and is off for the next three weeks. He decided he wanted to stay in Dallas because he wants to take this time to work out and study hard before he leaves for training camp in California. The past couple weeks I have been giving volleyball lessons and training for a half marathon--both things that I have been wanting to do for a while. Training for this half marathon has been SO good for me because it has given me something to work for since I haven't been able to actually work since I can't really commit to a job right now. I decided to run the half on June 8.. and race day is on June 28.. so I haven't really given myself much time to train but again, my competitive nature has kinda taken over. A verse that has really hit me these last couple of weeks is 1 Thessalonians 5:16. There are days that I desire stability and want to know that Dustin has a job so I can commit to a job, have a permanent place to call home (that's not our storage unit in Irving with all of our stuff in it) and so want someone to walk up to me and say "God told me y'all are staying in Dallas." That clearly is not how things usually work. Although God's plan for our lives is not going to be mailed to me (or my parent's home address in Corpus because we don't really have a permanent address right now... can you tell I'm struggling with the lack of stability, today?) 1 Thessalonians 5:16 says this "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" BOOM! THERE IS SOMETHING I CAN DO RIGHT NOW! GOD'S WILL IS WRITTEN OUT FOR ME! I can rejoice and give thanks for the circumstance God placed us in and I can pray continuously for Dustin and for the adventure that is ahead. As I continue to battle wanting stability and wanting a crystal ball to tell me what the future holds, I can rest in this verse. Thankful for a God who daily bears our burdens for us!  PS. How STINKING cute is this little niece of mine?!