For the past four years, I have absolutely DREADED the first weekend of September. First weekend of September=NFL roster cuts. There is nothing like waking up on a Saturday morning and constantly staring at your phone, hoping and praying you don't get a call from your husband until after 3 pm when all final rosters have to be submitted. It is a dreadfully long day that has ended in both tears of joy and tears of sadness in our journey in the NFL.
But this year, this first weekend in September isn't defined as "roster cut weekend" in our household. This weekend is our second weekend as a family of four and is setting the standard for our new normal of what our weekends will look like the next couple of months. We woke up, had breakfast at our favorite breakfast place (shout out to Snug on the Square in downtown McKinney... good for the taste buds... and the soul!), Dustin went to watch college football with some of his college buddies, Baby J is hanging out with the grandparents in Corpus this weekend while we continue to adjust with life with a newborn, and I am sitting in a quiet house with that 11-day old newborn asleep next to me. This weekend is one of the the first weekends in our lives that doesn't revolve around sports for us because about three weeks ago, Dustin walked into the coaches office in Baltimore and boldly took his career in his own hands and told the coaching staff and front office executives that he had decided to permanently step away from football as a career.
Dustin is the most analytical, rational person that I know who has NEVER made a rash decision based off his emotions without assessing the situation from every angle possible. Buying toothpaste is no easy task for his brain--he has to look at the brand, look at the cost, compare it with other costs, see how many ounces he is getting for the price, and of course has to take into consideration the flavor and sensitivity level of the toothpaste before he can make a final decision. I'm telling you--no decision comes without SERIOUS thought behind it. As his wife, this can be beyond frustrating at times when I want to shake him and say "Good night! MAKE A DECISION, BOY!" but it is also something I am SO grateful for when it comes to all of the big decisions that he has made for our family.
After months of us praying about it together and apart and months of us discussing his future every couple of days whether in person or over the phone, Dustin felt led to retire from his career in the NFL not because he was mad about his playing time or because he could sense the NFL getting ready to push him out. Dustin's primary reason for retirement---he simply missed his family.
Professional athletics is one of the most complex careers that I think is out there. Yes--there is A LOT of money and fame in the NFL--but that is definitely not true for every professional athlete. The NFL is vicious physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally and is hard on family life no matter who you are--it is just hard on different people for different reasons. It can feel isolating and lonely because us common people forget that there is ACTUALLY a human being with a family to provide for behind those jerseys and fantasy football leagues. Fame and wealth doesn't take away the pain and trials of life but if anything, they can make EVERYTHING much more complicated. The expectations and scrutiny we put on these guys is anything but easy on them. They are under tremendous pressure and heavily evaluated every single day at work and are daily fighting to keep their jobs knowing that there is always younger, fresher, and healthier talent working hard to take their job from them. Not to mention the media, social media, and outspoken people who have opinions without actually having any credibility or experience whatsoever adds a different element of stress to their job. Some athletes' journeys have allowed them to plant roots in one city for their entire career, others may hop around but they have multiple different houses in different cities, and others may be able to move their families with them as they go from team to team. But none of these situations were true for our family.
Due to adopting a child with significant special needs, Baby J and I were not able to travel with Dustin to Pittsburgh or Baltimore the past couple of seasons. Baby J's adoption has not been made official yet and with a minimum of 6 therapy visits per week, doctor's appointments, and having our entire supportive community around Dallas, D and I knew the best option for our family was for him to go by himself and just travel home every couple of weekends. Needless to say, Dustin has missed a lot around here. And that was before our newest addition graced us with her sweet (and poopy) little presence.
Dustin and I did long distance dating across multiple states for five years before we got married so we are pretty much pros at long distance. But the past couple of years, long distance has been terribly difficult. When Baby J had good days, I wanted him to feel like he witnessed his good days so I would go into tremendous detail about it--all while Dustin so wished he could have witnessed it himself. When J had bad days, I would cry to Dustin and D wanted to do nothing else besides fly home to help lessen the load of J's bad days on me... especially when I was pregnant and exhausted. D is a family guy--and being away from us took a toll on him. Yes, being an NFL QB was a dream of his, but as time grew, his dreams transformed. In one of our MANY hour long discussions about this, he told me that he no longer dreams of winning Super Bowls--he dreams of coaching his kids in little league and dreams of watching his baby boy and newborn baby girl transform before his own eyes, not through pictures or FaceTime. And based off his personal NFL journey, we didn't know when we would all be able to be together permanently. He told me the thought of getting released didn't scare him, but rather he was more scared of what our family dynamic would look like if he did make the final roster in Baltimore because the two babies and I still wouldn't be able to join him. He would be working in Baltimore, and I would be taking care of our two kids in Dallas, with the occasional visit to Baltimore. He would do his thing... and I would do my thing. And the thought of our growing family living like that scared us. We want to enjoy all that we do TOGETHER... not just feel like we are co-existing under the same bank account.
He still loves the game of football but he always wants to enjoy the game of football. There have been many times in his career that we both had a cynical, bitter view of the NFL--and he wants to be able to share and talk about his incredible experience in the NFL the rest of his life--and not have any level of bitterness in his voice because of what the NFL took away from him. In fact, he has had MULTIPLE ex-NFL players (some of who were within the Ravens' organization) who asked to shake his hand and told him they highly respected his decision and their own biggest regret in their career was not retiring sooner for that very reason. He has been affirmed time and time again that he will never regret a decision that allows him to spend more time with his family.
I can look back at our journey the past few of years, and tell you it was characterized by some of the most surreal, incredible memories of our lives and we would NEVER trade the memories, friendships, experiences, and lessons that we learned because of our time in the NFL. We have no idea what our future looks like now that the football chapter has ended. I birthed our newest chapter 11 days ago and she has actually REFRESHED our family in so many ways because she is NORMAL and our other baby is anything but that. I have had some tears the past couple of weeks because we have three huge life changes happening at the same time of which I have no idea how it will all turn out--ending one career and starting another, adopting a baby with special needs, and bringing another little life in the picture. The week before Foster was born, I literally felt like I was grieving the end of Dustin's career because of the amount of time I had spent fantasizing over the past four years about all of the potential opportunities the NFL could bring us and other people. The Lord has graciously revealed how much misplaced hope I had in football for our life. We endured quite a bit as a family for the hope that "one day this will make a great 30-for-30" and now that football has come to an end, I have felt a lot of despair with thoughts of "Well now what?! We endured all of that.. for what?! Now what are we to do with our story?! Now what do we do with our gifts?!" I have battled such entitlement with "Are you kidding?! Dustin DESERVED a long career! Look at the integrity, love, leadership, and selflessness that make him who he is!!" But I can say with 100% confidence that his decision was 100% the best decision for many other reasons than those already stated. I could not be more proud of my husband for the decision that he made and his obedience and maturity to step away from football and step towards a better family life. Since being home, he has spent HOURS at our computer and hours meeting and networking with people to talk about his new career path now that football is over. Although fear can consume me some days with the "what now?" question in mind, I am clinging to His provision and praying that He would remind me that I have a Hope that is so much greater than football.
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Cinco de J-ayo
May 5th marks one year since our life forever changed in the most incredible way imaginable. May 5, 2016, was the day that I drove with the social worker to pick up the baby boy who was and has been the subject of our greatest act of faith, the subject of our every prayer, the subject of our greatest fears, and the subject and holder of this incredibly special place in our hearts that The Lord had prepared specifically for him. It has been a year full of mourning the stripping of an innocent child's health, a year full of clinging to The Lord for strength every day, a year of transitioning into parenthood of a child with special needs, a year of daily begging and asking for healing, a year of learning to accept and greatly appreciate help from our parents, families, and friends when it is offered, and a year of seeing The Lord's provision in every single area of our life.
A year ago, I felt so confident that we were going to take in this baby and that BOOM! He would immediately be healed. I mean, under my care, my watch, my medical decisions, my therapy, my love he was TOTALLY going to thrive and be 100% a healthy child, right?! Why else would the Holy Spirit prompt us in this direction if healing wasn't in J's future?! If he was going to remain in his physical state, The Lord would have just left him in his other place of care to survive in, right?! Well. It didn't take me long to realize that my expectations were incredibly unrealistic and so far from the truth. And totally marked by my own arrogance, naivety, and pride. A year later, J is still struggling with the same obstacles he faced this time last year. J's medical diagnoses still remain the same minus we now know that he is not deaf! ((AND A HUGE PRAISE AT THAT! )) and I am still struggling with fear of our future and what it will look like having a child with special needs.
I look back on the first months of having J and it all feels like such a blur. In less than 3 weeks, we said yes to bringing a "neurologically devastated" baby into our home, prepared a nursery, acquired all basic things needed for an infant (thanks to a dear friend of mine who registered for us, purchased multiple high ticket items, and sent out the rest of the registry to our friends and family and even people we do not know personally who all so graciously gave to J), and then became first time parents to a child with severe needs. As I have mentioned before, Dustin was only home for the first week of these three preparation and transition weeks due to being in Pittsburgh for off season training with the Steelers. When we brought J to our home, D had never met or even seen a picture of this baby he had opened his home and life to and did not meet him until J had been living in our house for two weeks. Serious, shout out to my incredible mother and mother-in-law who SAVED me during this time and continue to help ALL of the time!
It is truly only by the grace of God that I survived those first few months of navigating through medical specialist appointment after medical specialist appointment, therapy after therapy, phone call after phone call, while physically being in Dallas by myself to take care of his medical needs and equipment, medications, feeding schedule, and every other basic thing infants need from their parents. For the first 6 months, I had a hard time referring to myself as "Mom" because I only felt like his full time nurse. Nursing was what I had known; motherhood was something totally knew and foreign to me. And I didn't have the 10 months God naturally and graciously gives women to prepare for a child (or one month, at that). J has cortical vision impairment (structurally his eyes look like he should be able to see, but his little brain doesn't have the ability to interpret what he sees.. YET) so he did not look at me as his momma or give me any kind of physical sign that he knew I was his mommy. I absolutely adored and loved him but only felt like his full time, unpaid caretaker which was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting and I felt like I wasn't seeing the fruit to ANY of my hard labor. All of my efforts, energy, and love felt like they were totally in vain. I would cry to Dustin and just tell him how much I was struggling with the task at hand. I was mad at God for asking us to do this and mad that we chose to obey His calling because it felt like more than what we could handle. But my husband is the greatest encourager, listener, and supporter that I know. He kept reminding me of the eternal value of being obedient and faithfully prayed for and patiently led me in the midst of my ongoing battle with the lies the enemy was whispering to me, my fears, and my exhaustion.
And The Lord was good and continues to be good. Even in my greatest struggle, He kept me afloat and kept me clinging to Him. Dustin coming home with his right thumb injury was the most incredible and bizarre way of The Lord showing us He would take care of us because the past 8 months have been filled with D, J, and I hanging out literally all day every day without either of us having to report to anyone or any job. We look back on the past 8 months and thank God and are SO grateful for that season of life that we are 99.9% sure will never happen again. It truly was such a gift that I constantly remind myself about now that J and I are back by ourselves on a daily basis since D is in spring off-season in Baltimore. Go Ravens!!
In December, we found out that we are expecting our first biological child in August, and D and I are beyond excited for the baby girl to enter our home to add to our (rapidly) growing family. We love the meaning of names, as baby J's name has given us SUCH hope, (I so wish I could share his name and the meaning of the name!!!!) and we decided that baby girl's name is going to be Foster Reese. Dustin and I lived on Foster Lane when we first got married and always said that would be a cute boy's name. When we found out we were having a girl, we were having a hard time coming up with a name that we liked that had a meaning that applied to us and our season of life. We ultimately decided that we had to name her Foster since foster care is a HUGE part of our current story and is the means by which we gained her big brother. Reese means "fiery, enthusiastic, passionate" and we loved that her first name means something that is so tender, sweet, and caring and that her middle name is something that shows a little spit fire personality.
Foster came as quite a surprise and it took me a few days for the shock to sink in since all I could think of was "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I MANAGE TWO OF THEM?! AND IN AUGUST?!! DURING FOOTBALL SEASON WITH MY HUSBAND CURRENTLY PLAYING IN BALTIMORE?!?!" And of course, Dustin was smiling from ear to ear the moment he found out. That eternal optimist. But God's timing is incredible. Always. Yes, Foster is due right around the day D will be playing a game and yes, I will basically be taking care of two newborns at the same time while my husband may or may not be living in a different state. But shortly after I became pregnant with her, without even thinking about it, I found myself easily calling and seeing myself as J's mommy and not as his nurse. I didn't feel uncomfortable when people called me "Mom" during his appointment or when referring to J as my son. There was another tiny human growing inside of me and for whatever reason, that totally changed my heart and I finally felt bonded to J as his mom, not just his caretaker. Foster is the size of a cantaloupe, according to my pregnancy app, and her little life has already served such purpose in our family. Her life has already given her older brother the greatest gift he could have gotten at this stage of his life: a mommy who is beyond proud to call herself HIS mommy.
J has made tremendous progress, all things considered, and although he developmentally doesn't come remotely close to any child his age, we look at J and all we see is joy. Most parents wake up to their kids screaming bloody murder. We wake up to J laughing hysterically in his crib at least once a week. He is becoming stronger every single day and his little brain is becoming so much more alert to the life around him. Seven months ago, he only responded to physical touch. Five months ago, he started giggling at sounds and thinks the sound of snorting and kissing noises is the funniest thing. He loves being tickled, loves being held and has started expressing himself and fussing when he isn't held. When he gets fussy, we play hymns on our phone and it almost immediately soothes him and relaxes him. Needless to say, this kid is not neurologically devastated as he was once labeled. God is answering our prayers, just not as QUICKLY and IMMEDIATELY and with the same results I want to see.
We continue to face a lot of unknowns: J's health, J's final adoption date, Foster's health, anxiety about balancing life with two newborn babies even though one will be about 20 pounds heavier and a foot longer than the other, all of the unknowns associated with Dustin's career and all the possibilities that range from Dustin making the roster in Baltimore to Dustin playing for a different team to him hanging up his cleats and retiring from the NFL and what each of these situations means for us a family unit.
When we went to Israel, Tara-Leigh, my D-Group leader, asked each person on the trip to say the attribute of God that He has most revealed about Himself in this season of our life, and Dustin and I both separately said "provision". Even while staring at the unknowns and sometimes being absolutely terrified by the possible answers of these unknowns, I am clinging to the attribute that He has shown me time and time and time again since this time last year. He works for our good and for His glory, even if His good differs from my plans and my definition of good. We are so grateful for this season and so grateful we serve a God who has chosen us to be His and a God who is so merciful, loving, kind, gracious, and provides abundantly more than we can ask for or imagine. He can be trusted.
A year ago, I felt so confident that we were going to take in this baby and that BOOM! He would immediately be healed. I mean, under my care, my watch, my medical decisions, my therapy, my love he was TOTALLY going to thrive and be 100% a healthy child, right?! Why else would the Holy Spirit prompt us in this direction if healing wasn't in J's future?! If he was going to remain in his physical state, The Lord would have just left him in his other place of care to survive in, right?! Well. It didn't take me long to realize that my expectations were incredibly unrealistic and so far from the truth. And totally marked by my own arrogance, naivety, and pride. A year later, J is still struggling with the same obstacles he faced this time last year. J's medical diagnoses still remain the same minus we now know that he is not deaf! ((AND A HUGE PRAISE AT THAT! )) and I am still struggling with fear of our future and what it will look like having a child with special needs.
I look back on the first months of having J and it all feels like such a blur. In less than 3 weeks, we said yes to bringing a "neurologically devastated" baby into our home, prepared a nursery, acquired all basic things needed for an infant (thanks to a dear friend of mine who registered for us, purchased multiple high ticket items, and sent out the rest of the registry to our friends and family and even people we do not know personally who all so graciously gave to J), and then became first time parents to a child with severe needs. As I have mentioned before, Dustin was only home for the first week of these three preparation and transition weeks due to being in Pittsburgh for off season training with the Steelers. When we brought J to our home, D had never met or even seen a picture of this baby he had opened his home and life to and did not meet him until J had been living in our house for two weeks. Serious, shout out to my incredible mother and mother-in-law who SAVED me during this time and continue to help ALL of the time!
It is truly only by the grace of God that I survived those first few months of navigating through medical specialist appointment after medical specialist appointment, therapy after therapy, phone call after phone call, while physically being in Dallas by myself to take care of his medical needs and equipment, medications, feeding schedule, and every other basic thing infants need from their parents. For the first 6 months, I had a hard time referring to myself as "Mom" because I only felt like his full time nurse. Nursing was what I had known; motherhood was something totally knew and foreign to me. And I didn't have the 10 months God naturally and graciously gives women to prepare for a child (or one month, at that). J has cortical vision impairment (structurally his eyes look like he should be able to see, but his little brain doesn't have the ability to interpret what he sees.. YET) so he did not look at me as his momma or give me any kind of physical sign that he knew I was his mommy. I absolutely adored and loved him but only felt like his full time, unpaid caretaker which was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting and I felt like I wasn't seeing the fruit to ANY of my hard labor. All of my efforts, energy, and love felt like they were totally in vain. I would cry to Dustin and just tell him how much I was struggling with the task at hand. I was mad at God for asking us to do this and mad that we chose to obey His calling because it felt like more than what we could handle. But my husband is the greatest encourager, listener, and supporter that I know. He kept reminding me of the eternal value of being obedient and faithfully prayed for and patiently led me in the midst of my ongoing battle with the lies the enemy was whispering to me, my fears, and my exhaustion.
And The Lord was good and continues to be good. Even in my greatest struggle, He kept me afloat and kept me clinging to Him. Dustin coming home with his right thumb injury was the most incredible and bizarre way of The Lord showing us He would take care of us because the past 8 months have been filled with D, J, and I hanging out literally all day every day without either of us having to report to anyone or any job. We look back on the past 8 months and thank God and are SO grateful for that season of life that we are 99.9% sure will never happen again. It truly was such a gift that I constantly remind myself about now that J and I are back by ourselves on a daily basis since D is in spring off-season in Baltimore. Go Ravens!!
In December, we found out that we are expecting our first biological child in August, and D and I are beyond excited for the baby girl to enter our home to add to our (rapidly) growing family. We love the meaning of names, as baby J's name has given us SUCH hope, (I so wish I could share his name and the meaning of the name!!!!) and we decided that baby girl's name is going to be Foster Reese. Dustin and I lived on Foster Lane when we first got married and always said that would be a cute boy's name. When we found out we were having a girl, we were having a hard time coming up with a name that we liked that had a meaning that applied to us and our season of life. We ultimately decided that we had to name her Foster since foster care is a HUGE part of our current story and is the means by which we gained her big brother. Reese means "fiery, enthusiastic, passionate" and we loved that her first name means something that is so tender, sweet, and caring and that her middle name is something that shows a little spit fire personality.
Foster came as quite a surprise and it took me a few days for the shock to sink in since all I could think of was "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I MANAGE TWO OF THEM?! AND IN AUGUST?!! DURING FOOTBALL SEASON WITH MY HUSBAND CURRENTLY PLAYING IN BALTIMORE?!?!" And of course, Dustin was smiling from ear to ear the moment he found out. That eternal optimist. But God's timing is incredible. Always. Yes, Foster is due right around the day D will be playing a game and yes, I will basically be taking care of two newborns at the same time while my husband may or may not be living in a different state. But shortly after I became pregnant with her, without even thinking about it, I found myself easily calling and seeing myself as J's mommy and not as his nurse. I didn't feel uncomfortable when people called me "Mom" during his appointment or when referring to J as my son. There was another tiny human growing inside of me and for whatever reason, that totally changed my heart and I finally felt bonded to J as his mom, not just his caretaker. Foster is the size of a cantaloupe, according to my pregnancy app, and her little life has already served such purpose in our family. Her life has already given her older brother the greatest gift he could have gotten at this stage of his life: a mommy who is beyond proud to call herself HIS mommy.
J has made tremendous progress, all things considered, and although he developmentally doesn't come remotely close to any child his age, we look at J and all we see is joy. Most parents wake up to their kids screaming bloody murder. We wake up to J laughing hysterically in his crib at least once a week. He is becoming stronger every single day and his little brain is becoming so much more alert to the life around him. Seven months ago, he only responded to physical touch. Five months ago, he started giggling at sounds and thinks the sound of snorting and kissing noises is the funniest thing. He loves being tickled, loves being held and has started expressing himself and fussing when he isn't held. When he gets fussy, we play hymns on our phone and it almost immediately soothes him and relaxes him. Needless to say, this kid is not neurologically devastated as he was once labeled. God is answering our prayers, just not as QUICKLY and IMMEDIATELY and with the same results I want to see.
We continue to face a lot of unknowns: J's health, J's final adoption date, Foster's health, anxiety about balancing life with two newborn babies even though one will be about 20 pounds heavier and a foot longer than the other, all of the unknowns associated with Dustin's career and all the possibilities that range from Dustin making the roster in Baltimore to Dustin playing for a different team to him hanging up his cleats and retiring from the NFL and what each of these situations means for us a family unit.
When we went to Israel, Tara-Leigh, my D-Group leader, asked each person on the trip to say the attribute of God that He has most revealed about Himself in this season of our life, and Dustin and I both separately said "provision". Even while staring at the unknowns and sometimes being absolutely terrified by the possible answers of these unknowns, I am clinging to the attribute that He has shown me time and time and time again since this time last year. He works for our good and for His glory, even if His good differs from my plans and my definition of good. We are so grateful for this season and so grateful we serve a God who has chosen us to be His and a God who is so merciful, loving, kind, gracious, and provides abundantly more than we can ask for or imagine. He can be trusted.
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