For the past four years, I have absolutely DREADED the first weekend of September.  First weekend of September=NFL roster cuts. There is nothing like waking up on a Saturday morning and constantly staring at your phone, hoping and praying you don't get a call from your husband until after 3 pm when all final rosters have to be submitted. It is a dreadfully long day that has ended in both tears of joy and tears of sadness in our journey in the NFL.

But this year, this first weekend in September isn't defined as "roster cut weekend" in our household. This weekend is our second weekend as a family of four and is setting the standard for our new normal of what our weekends will look like the next couple of months. We woke up, had breakfast at our favorite breakfast place (shout out to Snug on the Square in downtown McKinney... good for the taste buds... and the soul!), Dustin went to watch college football with some of his college buddies, Baby J is hanging out with the grandparents in Corpus this weekend while we continue to adjust with life with a newborn, and I am sitting in a quiet house with that 11-day old newborn asleep next to me. This weekend is one of the the first weekends in our lives that doesn't revolve around sports for us because about three weeks ago, Dustin walked into the coaches office in Baltimore and boldly took his career in his own hands and told the coaching staff and front office executives that he had decided to permanently step away from football as a career.

Dustin is the most analytical, rational person that I know who has NEVER made a rash decision based off his emotions without assessing the situation from every angle possible. Buying toothpaste is no easy task for his brain--he has to look at the brand, look at the cost, compare it with other costs, see how many ounces he is getting for the price, and of course has to take into consideration the flavor and sensitivity level of the toothpaste before he can make a final decision. I'm telling you--no decision comes without SERIOUS thought behind it. As his wife, this can be beyond frustrating at times when I want to shake him and say "Good night! MAKE A DECISION, BOY!" but it is also something I am SO grateful for when it comes to all of the big decisions that he has made for our family.

After months of us praying about it together and apart and months of us discussing his future every couple of days whether in person or over the phone, Dustin felt led to retire from his career in the NFL not because he was mad about his playing time or because he could sense the NFL getting ready to push him out. Dustin's primary reason for retirement---he simply missed his family.

Professional athletics is one of the most complex careers that I think is out there. Yes--there is A LOT of money and fame in the NFL--but that is definitely not true for every professional athlete. The NFL is vicious physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally and is hard on family life no matter who you are--it is just hard on different people for different reasons. It can feel isolating and lonely because us common people forget that there is ACTUALLY a human being with a family to provide for behind those jerseys and fantasy football leagues. Fame and wealth doesn't take away the pain and trials of life but if anything, they can make EVERYTHING much more complicated. The expectations and scrutiny we put on these guys is anything but easy on them. They are under tremendous pressure and heavily evaluated every single day at work and are daily fighting to keep their jobs knowing that there is always younger, fresher, and healthier talent working hard to take their job from them. Not to mention the media, social media, and outspoken people who have opinions without actually having any credibility or experience whatsoever adds a different element of stress to their job.  Some athletes' journeys have allowed them to plant roots in one city for their entire career, others may hop around but they have multiple different houses in different cities, and others may be able to move their families with them as they go from team to team. But none of these situations were true for our family.

Due to adopting a child with significant special needs, Baby J and I were not able to travel with Dustin to Pittsburgh or Baltimore the past couple of seasons. Baby J's adoption has not been made official yet and with a minimum of 6 therapy visits per week, doctor's appointments, and having our entire supportive community around Dallas, D and I knew the best option for our family was for him to go by himself and just travel home every couple of weekends. Needless to say, Dustin has missed a lot around here. And that was before our newest addition graced us with her sweet (and poopy) little presence.

Dustin and I did long distance dating across multiple states for five years before we got married so we are pretty much pros at long distance. But the past couple of years, long distance has been terribly difficult. When Baby J had good days, I wanted him to feel like he witnessed his good days so I would go into tremendous detail about it--all while Dustin so wished he could have witnessed it himself. When J had bad days, I would cry to Dustin and D wanted to do nothing else besides fly home to help lessen the load of J's bad days on me... especially when I was pregnant and exhausted. D is a family guy--and being away from us took a toll on him. Yes, being an NFL QB was a dream of his, but as time grew, his dreams transformed. In one of our MANY hour long discussions about this, he told me that he no longer dreams of winning Super Bowls--he dreams of coaching his kids in little league and dreams of watching his baby boy and newborn baby girl transform before his own eyes, not through pictures or FaceTime. And based off his personal NFL journey, we didn't know when we would all be able to be together permanently.  He told me the thought of getting released didn't scare him, but rather he was more scared of what our family dynamic would look like if he did make the final roster in Baltimore because the two babies and I still wouldn't be able to join him. He would be working in Baltimore, and I would be taking care of our two kids in Dallas, with the occasional visit to Baltimore. He would do his thing... and I would do my thing. And the thought of our growing family living like that scared us. We want to enjoy all that we do TOGETHER... not just feel like we are co-existing under the same bank account. 

He still loves the game of football but he always wants to enjoy the game of football. There have been many times in his career that we both had a cynical, bitter view of the NFL--and he wants to be able to share and talk about his incredible experience in the NFL the rest of his life--and not have any level of bitterness in his voice because of what the NFL took away from him.  In fact, he has had MULTIPLE ex-NFL players (some of who were within the Ravens' organization) who asked to shake his hand and told him they highly respected his decision and their own biggest regret in their career was not retiring sooner for that very reason. He has been affirmed time and time again that he will never regret a decision that allows him to spend more time with his family.

I can look back at our journey the past few of years, and tell you it was characterized by some of the most surreal, incredible memories of our lives and we would NEVER trade the memories, friendships, experiences, and lessons that we learned because of our time in the NFL. We have no idea what our future looks like now that the football chapter has ended. I birthed our newest chapter 11 days ago and she has actually REFRESHED our family in so many ways because she is NORMAL and our other baby is anything but that. I have had some tears the past couple of weeks because we have three huge life changes happening at the same time of which I have no idea how it will all turn out--ending one career and starting another, adopting a baby with special needs, and bringing another little life in the picture. The week before Foster was born, I literally felt like I was grieving the end of Dustin's career because of the amount of time I had spent fantasizing over the past four years about all of the potential opportunities the NFL could bring us and other people. The Lord has graciously revealed how much misplaced hope I had in football for our life. We endured quite a bit as a family for the hope that "one day this will make a great 30-for-30" and now that football has come to an end, I have felt a lot of despair with thoughts of "Well now what?! We endured all of that.. for what?! Now what are we to do with our story?! Now what do we do with our gifts?!"  I have battled such entitlement with "Are you kidding?! Dustin DESERVED a long career! Look at the integrity, love, leadership, and selflessness that make him who he is!!" But I can say with 100% confidence that his decision was 100% the best decision for many other reasons than those already stated. I could not be more proud of my husband for the decision that he made and his obedience and maturity to step away from football and step towards a better family life. Since being home, he has spent HOURS at our computer and hours meeting and networking with people to talk about his new career path now that football is over. Although fear can consume me some days with the "what now?" question in mind, I am clinging to His provision and praying that He would remind me that I have a Hope that is so much greater than football.