May 5th marks one year since our life forever changed in the most incredible way imaginable. May 5, 2016, was the day that I drove with the social worker to pick up the baby boy who was and has been the subject of our greatest act of faith, the subject of our every prayer, the subject of our greatest fears, and the subject and holder of this incredibly special place in our hearts that The Lord had prepared specifically for him. It has been a year full of mourning the stripping of an innocent child's health, a year full of clinging to The Lord for strength every day, a year of transitioning into parenthood of a child with special needs, a year of daily begging and asking for healing, a year of learning to accept and greatly appreciate help from our parents, families, and friends when it is offered, and a year of seeing The Lord's provision in every single area of our life.
A year ago, I felt so confident that we were going to take in this baby and that BOOM! He would immediately be healed. I mean, under my care, my watch, my medical decisions, my therapy, my love he was TOTALLY going to thrive and be 100% a healthy child, right?! Why else would the Holy Spirit prompt us in this direction if healing wasn't in J's future?! If he was going to remain in his physical state, The Lord would have just left him in his other place of care to survive in, right?! Well. It didn't take me long to realize that my expectations were incredibly unrealistic and so far from the truth. And totally marked by my own arrogance, naivety, and pride. A year later, J is still struggling with the same obstacles he faced this time last year. J's medical diagnoses still remain the same minus we now know that he is not deaf! ((AND A HUGE PRAISE AT THAT! )) and I am still struggling with fear of our future and what it will look like having a child with special needs.
I look back on the first months of having J and it all feels like such a blur. In less than 3 weeks, we said yes to bringing a "neurologically devastated" baby into our home, prepared a nursery, acquired all basic things needed for an infant (thanks to a dear friend of mine who registered for us, purchased multiple high ticket items, and sent out the rest of the registry to our friends and family and even people we do not know personally who all so graciously gave to J), and then became first time parents to a child with severe needs. As I have mentioned before, Dustin was only home for the first week of these three preparation and transition weeks due to being in Pittsburgh for off season training with the Steelers. When we brought J to our home, D had never met or even seen a picture of this baby he had opened his home and life to and did not meet him until J had been living in our house for two weeks. Serious, shout out to my incredible mother and mother-in-law who SAVED me during this time and continue to help ALL of the time!
It is truly only by the grace of God that I survived those first few months of navigating through medical specialist appointment after medical specialist appointment, therapy after therapy, phone call after phone call, while physically being in Dallas by myself to take care of his medical needs and equipment, medications, feeding schedule, and every other basic thing infants need from their parents. For the first 6 months, I had a hard time referring to myself as "Mom" because I only felt like his full time nurse. Nursing was what I had known; motherhood was something totally knew and foreign to me. And I didn't have the 10 months God naturally and graciously gives women to prepare for a child (or one month, at that). J has cortical vision impairment (structurally his eyes look like he should be able to see, but his little brain doesn't have the ability to interpret what he sees.. YET) so he did not look at me as his momma or give me any kind of physical sign that he knew I was his mommy. I absolutely adored and loved him but only felt like his full time, unpaid caretaker which was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting and I felt like I wasn't seeing the fruit to ANY of my hard labor. All of my efforts, energy, and love felt like they were totally in vain. I would cry to Dustin and just tell him how much I was struggling with the task at hand. I was mad at God for asking us to do this and mad that we chose to obey His calling because it felt like more than what we could handle. But my husband is the greatest encourager, listener, and supporter that I know. He kept reminding me of the eternal value of being obedient and faithfully prayed for and patiently led me in the midst of my ongoing battle with the lies the enemy was whispering to me, my fears, and my exhaustion.
And The Lord was good and continues to be good. Even in my greatest struggle, He kept me afloat and kept me clinging to Him. Dustin coming home with his right thumb injury was the most incredible and bizarre way of The Lord showing us He would take care of us because the past 8 months have been filled with D, J, and I hanging out literally all day every day without either of us having to report to anyone or any job. We look back on the past 8 months and thank God and are SO grateful for that season of life that we are 99.9% sure will never happen again. It truly was such a gift that I constantly remind myself about now that J and I are back by ourselves on a daily basis since D is in spring off-season in Baltimore. Go Ravens!!
In December, we found out that we are expecting our first biological child in August, and D and I are beyond excited for the baby girl to enter our home to add to our (rapidly) growing family. We love the meaning of names, as baby J's name has given us SUCH hope, (I so wish I could share his name and the meaning of the name!!!!) and we decided that baby girl's name is going to be Foster Reese. Dustin and I lived on Foster Lane when we first got married and always said that would be a cute boy's name. When we found out we were having a girl, we were having a hard time coming up with a name that we liked that had a meaning that applied to us and our season of life. We ultimately decided that we had to name her Foster since foster care is a HUGE part of our current story and is the means by which we gained her big brother. Reese means "fiery, enthusiastic, passionate" and we loved that her first name means something that is so tender, sweet, and caring and that her middle name is something that shows a little spit fire personality.
Foster came as quite a surprise and it took me a few days for the shock to sink in since all I could think of was "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I MANAGE TWO OF THEM?! AND IN AUGUST?!! DURING FOOTBALL SEASON WITH MY HUSBAND CURRENTLY PLAYING IN BALTIMORE?!?!" And of course, Dustin was smiling from ear to ear the moment he found out. That eternal optimist. But God's timing is incredible. Always. Yes, Foster is due right around the day D will be playing a game and yes, I will basically be taking care of two newborns at the same time while my husband may or may not be living in a different state. But shortly after I became pregnant with her, without even thinking about it, I found myself easily calling and seeing myself as J's mommy and not as his nurse. I didn't feel uncomfortable when people called me "Mom" during his appointment or when referring to J as my son. There was another tiny human growing inside of me and for whatever reason, that totally changed my heart and I finally felt bonded to J as his mom, not just his caretaker. Foster is the size of a cantaloupe, according to my pregnancy app, and her little life has already served such purpose in our family. Her life has already given her older brother the greatest gift he could have gotten at this stage of his life: a mommy who is beyond proud to call herself HIS mommy.
J has made tremendous progress, all things considered, and although he developmentally doesn't come remotely close to any child his age, we look at J and all we see is joy. Most parents wake up to their kids screaming bloody murder. We wake up to J laughing hysterically in his crib at least once a week. He is becoming stronger every single day and his little brain is becoming so much more alert to the life around him. Seven months ago, he only responded to physical touch. Five months ago, he started giggling at sounds and thinks the sound of snorting and kissing noises is the funniest thing. He loves being tickled, loves being held and has started expressing himself and fussing when he isn't held. When he gets fussy, we play hymns on our phone and it almost immediately soothes him and relaxes him. Needless to say, this kid is not neurologically devastated as he was once labeled. God is answering our prayers, just not as QUICKLY and IMMEDIATELY and with the same results I want to see.
We continue to face a lot of unknowns: J's health, J's final adoption date, Foster's health, anxiety about balancing life with two newborn babies even though one will be about 20 pounds heavier and a foot longer than the other, all of the unknowns associated with Dustin's career and all the possibilities that range from Dustin making the roster in Baltimore to Dustin playing for a different team to him hanging up his cleats and retiring from the NFL and what each of these situations means for us a family unit.
When we went to Israel, Tara-Leigh, my D-Group leader, asked each person on the trip to say the attribute of God that He has most revealed about Himself in this season of our life, and Dustin and I both separately said "provision". Even while staring at the unknowns and sometimes being absolutely terrified by the possible answers of these unknowns, I am clinging to the attribute that He has shown me time and time and time again since this time last year. He works for our good and for His glory, even if His good differs from my plans and my definition of good. We are so grateful for this season and so grateful we serve a God who has chosen us to be His and a God who is so merciful, loving, kind, gracious, and provides abundantly more than we can ask for or imagine. He can be trusted.
