Last month, Dustin had an interview with Pat Doney from NBC5 about his new job with QBCountry at The Andrew's Institute at Children's Medical Center in Plano. But what began as an interview to talk about his job led to a personal invitation into our life at home. As y'all know, we have been fostering a little boy who has severe cognitive and physical disabilities for about two years. And although we are SO grateful for the comments and shares that we have received from the sweet interview, around the time that it aired I had taken time off social media because with most pictures I saw and/or posted, I was battling feelings of inadequacy, anger, and fraudulence.

This journey with our little guy has been the hardest thing we have ever done. It has been exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and MANY MANY days, feels too much. The phone calls, the doctor's appointments, the therapies, the medical problems, the prayers that seem to be in vain, the recurring infections, the throw-up, the government programs, the constant exploding diaper changes, the non-stop laundry, the seizures, the supplies, the medications, the insurance companies, the case managers, and the actual responsibility of taking care of a very dependent and hurting 2 year old boy who isn't able to give much back while raising our 6 month old daughter are all part of my daily tasks at home and all make me want to put my hands to my head and scream
"ENOUGH!! Enough of the exhaustion, enough of the sacrificing, enough of the suffering, enough of the decision to be obedient!!!"

As I have looked back on our life the past couple of years and the "decisions" we made after much prayer and thought, the same story seems to unfold with these other decisions. The blessings of obedience weren't given to us in the form of tremendous wealth and health but rather came to us in the form of pain and heart break.  The decision to stay with the Dallas Cowboys after Dustin's rookie year, the decision to retire from the NFL one week before having Foster, the decision for Dustin to work for a start up company with potentially very little income as he builds the business, etc. were all BIG decisions that we made after feeling 100% confident that we were following the Spirit's promptings. And all of those decisions made life just a little bit more challenging. 

So challenging that in recent weeks, I found myself paralyzed in fear and anxiety at the thought of making any other big decisions for our family and what the potential consequences would be for those decisions.  Some days, our life circumstance seemed so rocky (mega career transition, newborn baby, and having another child with special needs)  that I was terrified to rock the boat even more by making a decision to take one step to the right or one step to the left. So I stood paralyzed in fear, clinging only to my thriving newborn baby girl, and not wanting to make even the smallest move for fear that it would all fall apart. And as the weeks went by, this fear and anxiety began affecting every aspect of my life.  I was beyond exhausted in every capacity, I was angry at our circumstance, angry at God, and angry at my husband who led our family down this very difficult path. After many, many humbling conversations with Dustin and women who have entered the foster/adoption world, we wanted something to change so we could "gain back control of our life". (THANKS FOR THE CURSE OF CONTROL, EVE). But I was terrified to make any decision because I was fearful of what that change would bring us. It was a viscious cycle of fear and anxiety that I couldn't seem to escape.

Since baby J entered our home, I have been seeing a Biblical counselor on and off to help me filter through the various working and complex pieces we had going on in our home. At the last appointment, I had shared this paralyzing fear with her and told the counselor how crippling it had become. After sitting quietly and listening, she said that a couple of months ago, she had a health scare that, if it was what doctors had thought it was, would have given her a life span of 3-10 months. She said that a friend of hers called her up and asked if she could come over and pray for healing over my counselor. The counselor said that she told her friend, "I would love for you to pray for healing if that is what The Spirit is prompting, but I am going to pray for something else. I don't want to be so focused on my healing that I miss what God is doing in the midst of this suffering." AND HOLY MOLY. How those words spoke to me!!  I was so consumed with the "what-ifs" of the potential outcomes of the decisions that I wasn't able to rest in the story He was currently writing through the trials of that day, not in the victory or failure of the next day. 

Romans 8:28 is a verse we hear all of the time. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" And that's where people stop. But it continues "For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be CONFORMED to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified"

You guys! All things work together for good... the good ultimately being to conform us to the image of his Son A.K.A. our sanctification. God is after our hearts!! As Michael Reeves says in his book, "Delighting in the Trinity, " the Holy Spirit is after transforming our self-obsessed hearts to direct their gaze on Him and become Christ-obsessed. He isn't after our temporary, earthly circumstances to make us #blessed although any earthly blessing that comes from Him is such a gift that we are SO not entitled to. He is jealous for our hearts and our affections and so much of our self-obsessed heart is exposed when suffering and trials hit. You can't read Scripture without understanding that God isn't after us checking the "righteous" boxes of morality. He is after transforming us from the inside out so that our love for Him transforms how we live. When asked what the greatest commandment is in Matthew, we all know Jesus' response:

 “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. 
                                                                                     -Matthew 22:36-39

Baby J has suffered more in his 2.5 years than Dustin and I have suffered in our combined 55 years of living and The Lord uses his life to teach us SO many incredible Truths about Himself, the pain of this life, and the incredible hope of the life that is to come.  It makes us SO excited to think that one day J's suffering will end when The Lord calls him home and his best life is yet to come. Which is the same Truth about my own life. 

My word of the year is Rejoice and it comes from Habakkuk 3:17-18 and Romans 5:2-5

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
    nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
    and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
    and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation.



Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 
                                                                                        

It has been SO hard pouring my entire being into a little boy who isn't able to give anything back to us. There are so many days that I look at Dustin and question, "Why are we doing this again?" But these verses so challenge my heart in rejoicing because of who He is and what He has promised me as His child; not because of the fruit I see in all of the self-sacrificing and hard work that I have put in my children. If my victories as J's foster mom were graded on the fruit of his development or how "well" I am handling the trials at the time, I would receive a big fat F.  But because of Jesus, I receive grace as my reward, instead of the punishment that I really deserve, which makes me direct my worship upwards.

God gives grace for the moment, but He gives just enough for me to rejoice that this life is temporary. I definitely still struggle with anxiety and fear, and anyone who knows me knows how much I continue to seek control, but I am daily praying that I would put my own pen down and that He would give me eyes to see Himself and the beauty of the story He is writing. Because I am a follower of Jesus, that story is going to include suffering and pain. But it is also filled with incredible Hope. Hope that gives me joy in the trial because "this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison" (2 Corinthians 4:17).

Although obedience has looked like choosing one team over another, opening our home to a child with special needs, and blindly ending one career and starting another, I am learning that obedience doesn't have to occur through a life changing decision. Today, right now, obedience for me looks like kissing my husband every morning and telling him I love him, rolling out of bed, changing a lot of diapers, making a lot of phone calls, doing a lot of laundry, showing Christ's love by loving other people in their daily sufferings, and praying for strength, gratitude, endurance, grace, patience, and wisdom to get through the day.

Although we do not know what the future looks like for our family, we are praying that God would constantly remind us that our own story of adoption is the most important story we will ever be a part of. And as His adoptive child, I already know what the ending of that redemptive story is going to look like-- it will look like Jesus coming back again and me spending eternity worshiping Him. My prayers have changed from DEMANDING God to bless our obedience and move us to more favorable circumstances, to asking God to open my eyes to the beauty and contentment of what obedience looks like with today's circumstances.

For the past four years, I have absolutely DREADED the first weekend of September.  First weekend of September=NFL roster cuts. There is nothing like waking up on a Saturday morning and constantly staring at your phone, hoping and praying you don't get a call from your husband until after 3 pm when all final rosters have to be submitted. It is a dreadfully long day that has ended in both tears of joy and tears of sadness in our journey in the NFL.

But this year, this first weekend in September isn't defined as "roster cut weekend" in our household. This weekend is our second weekend as a family of four and is setting the standard for our new normal of what our weekends will look like the next couple of months. We woke up, had breakfast at our favorite breakfast place (shout out to Snug on the Square in downtown McKinney... good for the taste buds... and the soul!), Dustin went to watch college football with some of his college buddies, Baby J is hanging out with the grandparents in Corpus this weekend while we continue to adjust with life with a newborn, and I am sitting in a quiet house with that 11-day old newborn asleep next to me. This weekend is one of the the first weekends in our lives that doesn't revolve around sports for us because about three weeks ago, Dustin walked into the coaches office in Baltimore and boldly took his career in his own hands and told the coaching staff and front office executives that he had decided to permanently step away from football as a career.

Dustin is the most analytical, rational person that I know who has NEVER made a rash decision based off his emotions without assessing the situation from every angle possible. Buying toothpaste is no easy task for his brain--he has to look at the brand, look at the cost, compare it with other costs, see how many ounces he is getting for the price, and of course has to take into consideration the flavor and sensitivity level of the toothpaste before he can make a final decision. I'm telling you--no decision comes without SERIOUS thought behind it. As his wife, this can be beyond frustrating at times when I want to shake him and say "Good night! MAKE A DECISION, BOY!" but it is also something I am SO grateful for when it comes to all of the big decisions that he has made for our family.

After months of us praying about it together and apart and months of us discussing his future every couple of days whether in person or over the phone, Dustin felt led to retire from his career in the NFL not because he was mad about his playing time or because he could sense the NFL getting ready to push him out. Dustin's primary reason for retirement---he simply missed his family.

Professional athletics is one of the most complex careers that I think is out there. Yes--there is A LOT of money and fame in the NFL--but that is definitely not true for every professional athlete. The NFL is vicious physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally and is hard on family life no matter who you are--it is just hard on different people for different reasons. It can feel isolating and lonely because us common people forget that there is ACTUALLY a human being with a family to provide for behind those jerseys and fantasy football leagues. Fame and wealth doesn't take away the pain and trials of life but if anything, they can make EVERYTHING much more complicated. The expectations and scrutiny we put on these guys is anything but easy on them. They are under tremendous pressure and heavily evaluated every single day at work and are daily fighting to keep their jobs knowing that there is always younger, fresher, and healthier talent working hard to take their job from them. Not to mention the media, social media, and outspoken people who have opinions without actually having any credibility or experience whatsoever adds a different element of stress to their job.  Some athletes' journeys have allowed them to plant roots in one city for their entire career, others may hop around but they have multiple different houses in different cities, and others may be able to move their families with them as they go from team to team. But none of these situations were true for our family.

Due to adopting a child with significant special needs, Baby J and I were not able to travel with Dustin to Pittsburgh or Baltimore the past couple of seasons. Baby J's adoption has not been made official yet and with a minimum of 6 therapy visits per week, doctor's appointments, and having our entire supportive community around Dallas, D and I knew the best option for our family was for him to go by himself and just travel home every couple of weekends. Needless to say, Dustin has missed a lot around here. And that was before our newest addition graced us with her sweet (and poopy) little presence.

Dustin and I did long distance dating across multiple states for five years before we got married so we are pretty much pros at long distance. But the past couple of years, long distance has been terribly difficult. When Baby J had good days, I wanted him to feel like he witnessed his good days so I would go into tremendous detail about it--all while Dustin so wished he could have witnessed it himself. When J had bad days, I would cry to Dustin and D wanted to do nothing else besides fly home to help lessen the load of J's bad days on me... especially when I was pregnant and exhausted. D is a family guy--and being away from us took a toll on him. Yes, being an NFL QB was a dream of his, but as time grew, his dreams transformed. In one of our MANY hour long discussions about this, he told me that he no longer dreams of winning Super Bowls--he dreams of coaching his kids in little league and dreams of watching his baby boy and newborn baby girl transform before his own eyes, not through pictures or FaceTime. And based off his personal NFL journey, we didn't know when we would all be able to be together permanently.  He told me the thought of getting released didn't scare him, but rather he was more scared of what our family dynamic would look like if he did make the final roster in Baltimore because the two babies and I still wouldn't be able to join him. He would be working in Baltimore, and I would be taking care of our two kids in Dallas, with the occasional visit to Baltimore. He would do his thing... and I would do my thing. And the thought of our growing family living like that scared us. We want to enjoy all that we do TOGETHER... not just feel like we are co-existing under the same bank account. 

He still loves the game of football but he always wants to enjoy the game of football. There have been many times in his career that we both had a cynical, bitter view of the NFL--and he wants to be able to share and talk about his incredible experience in the NFL the rest of his life--and not have any level of bitterness in his voice because of what the NFL took away from him.  In fact, he has had MULTIPLE ex-NFL players (some of who were within the Ravens' organization) who asked to shake his hand and told him they highly respected his decision and their own biggest regret in their career was not retiring sooner for that very reason. He has been affirmed time and time again that he will never regret a decision that allows him to spend more time with his family.

I can look back at our journey the past few of years, and tell you it was characterized by some of the most surreal, incredible memories of our lives and we would NEVER trade the memories, friendships, experiences, and lessons that we learned because of our time in the NFL. We have no idea what our future looks like now that the football chapter has ended. I birthed our newest chapter 11 days ago and she has actually REFRESHED our family in so many ways because she is NORMAL and our other baby is anything but that. I have had some tears the past couple of weeks because we have three huge life changes happening at the same time of which I have no idea how it will all turn out--ending one career and starting another, adopting a baby with special needs, and bringing another little life in the picture. The week before Foster was born, I literally felt like I was grieving the end of Dustin's career because of the amount of time I had spent fantasizing over the past four years about all of the potential opportunities the NFL could bring us and other people. The Lord has graciously revealed how much misplaced hope I had in football for our life. We endured quite a bit as a family for the hope that "one day this will make a great 30-for-30" and now that football has come to an end, I have felt a lot of despair with thoughts of "Well now what?! We endured all of that.. for what?! Now what are we to do with our story?! Now what do we do with our gifts?!"  I have battled such entitlement with "Are you kidding?! Dustin DESERVED a long career! Look at the integrity, love, leadership, and selflessness that make him who he is!!" But I can say with 100% confidence that his decision was 100% the best decision for many other reasons than those already stated. I could not be more proud of my husband for the decision that he made and his obedience and maturity to step away from football and step towards a better family life. Since being home, he has spent HOURS at our computer and hours meeting and networking with people to talk about his new career path now that football is over. Although fear can consume me some days with the "what now?" question in mind, I am clinging to His provision and praying that He would remind me that I have a Hope that is so much greater than football.

Cinco de J-ayo

         May 5th marks one year since our life forever changed in the most incredible way imaginable. May 5, 2016, was the day that I drove with the social worker to pick up the baby boy who was and has been the subject of our greatest act of faith, the subject of our every prayer, the subject of our greatest fears, and the subject and holder of this incredibly special place in our hearts that The Lord had prepared specifically for him. It has been a year full of mourning the stripping of an innocent child's health, a year full of clinging to The Lord for strength every day, a year of transitioning into parenthood of a child with special needs, a year of daily begging and asking for healing, a year of learning to accept and greatly appreciate help from our parents, families, and friends when it is offered, and a year of seeing The Lord's provision in every single area of our life.
           A year ago, I felt so confident that we were going to take in this baby and that BOOM! He would immediately be healed. I mean, under my care, my watch, my medical decisions, my therapy, my love he was TOTALLY going to thrive and be 100% a healthy child, right?! Why else would the Holy Spirit prompt us in this direction if healing wasn't in J's future?! If he was going to remain in his physical state, The Lord would have just left him in his other place of care to survive in, right?! Well. It didn't take me long to realize that my expectations were incredibly unrealistic and so far from the truth. And totally marked by my own arrogance, naivety, and pride. A year later, J is still struggling with the same obstacles he faced this time last year. J's medical diagnoses still remain  the same minus we now know that he is not deaf! ((AND A HUGE PRAISE AT THAT! )) and I am still struggling with fear of our future and what it will look like having a child with special needs.
          I look back on the first months of having J and it all feels like such a blur. In less than 3                                                                                                               weeks, we said yes to bringing a "neurologically devastated" baby into our home, prepared a nursery, acquired all basic things needed for an infant (thanks to a dear friend of mine who registered for us, purchased multiple high ticket items, and sent out the rest of the registry to our friends and family and even people we do not know personally who all so graciously gave to J), and then became first time parents to a child with severe needs. As I have mentioned before, Dustin was only home for the first week of these three preparation and transition weeks due to being in Pittsburgh for off season training with the Steelers. When we brought J to our home, D had never met or even seen a picture of this baby he had opened his home and life to and did not meet him until J had been living in our house for two weeks. Serious, shout out to my incredible mother and mother-in-law who SAVED me during this time and continue to help ALL of the time! 
            It is truly only by the grace of God that I survived those first few months of navigating through medical specialist appointment after medical specialist appointment, therapy after therapy, phone call after phone call, while physically being in Dallas by myself to take care of his medical needs and equipment, medications, feeding schedule, and every other basic thing infants need from their parents. For the first 6 months, I had a hard time referring to myself as "Mom" because I only felt like his full time nurse. Nursing was what I had known; motherhood was something totally knew and foreign to me. And I didn't have the 10 months God naturally and graciously gives women to prepare for a child (or one month, at that). J has cortical vision impairment (structurally his eyes look like he should be able to see, but his little brain doesn't have the ability to interpret what he sees.. YET) so he did not look at me as his momma or give me any kind of physical sign that he knew I was his mommy. I absolutely adored and loved him but only felt like his full time, unpaid caretaker which was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting and I felt like I wasn't seeing the fruit to ANY of my hard labor. All of my efforts, energy, and love felt like they were totally in vain. I would cry to Dustin and just tell him how much I was struggling with the task at hand. I was mad at God for asking us to do this and mad that we chose to obey His calling because it felt like more than what we could handle. But my husband is the greatest encourager, listener, and supporter that I know. He kept reminding me of the eternal value of being obedient and faithfully prayed for and patiently led me in the midst of my ongoing battle with the lies the enemy was whispering to me, my fears, and my exhaustion.
          And The Lord was good and continues to be good. Even in my greatest struggle, He kept me afloat and kept me clinging to Him. Dustin coming home with his right thumb injury was the most incredible and bizarre way of The Lord showing us He would take care of us because the past 8 months have been filled with D, J, and I hanging out literally all day every day without either of us having to report to anyone or any job. We look back on the past 8 months and thank God and are SO grateful for that season of life that we are 99.9% sure will never happen again. It truly was such a gift that I constantly remind myself about now that J and I are back by ourselves on a daily basis since D is in spring off-season in Baltimore. Go Ravens!! 
           In December, we found out that we are expecting our first biological child in August, and D and I are beyond excited for the baby girl to enter our home to add to our (rapidly) growing family. We love the meaning of names, as baby J's name has given us SUCH hope, (I so wish I could share his name and the meaning of the name!!!!) and we decided that baby girl's name is going to be Foster Reese. Dustin and I lived on Foster Lane when we first got married and always said that would be a cute boy's name. When we found out we were having a girl, we were having a hard time coming up with a name that we liked that had a meaning that applied to us and our season of life. We ultimately decided that we had to name her Foster since foster care is a HUGE part of our current story and is the means by which we gained her big brother. Reese means "fiery, enthusiastic, passionate" and we loved that her first name means something that is so tender, sweet, and caring and that her middle name is something that shows a little spit fire personality.
            Foster came as quite a surprise and it took me a few days for the shock to sink in since all I could think of was "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I MANAGE TWO OF THEM?! AND IN AUGUST?!! DURING FOOTBALL SEASON WITH MY HUSBAND CURRENTLY PLAYING IN BALTIMORE?!?!" And of course, Dustin was smiling from ear to ear the moment he found out. That eternal optimist. But God's timing is incredible. Always. Yes, Foster is due right around the day D will be playing a game and yes, I will basically be taking care of two newborns at the same time while my husband may or may not be living in a different state. But shortly after I became pregnant with her, without even thinking about it, I found myself easily calling and seeing myself as J's mommy and not as his nurse. I didn't feel uncomfortable when people called me "Mom" during his appointment or when referring to J as my son. There was another tiny human growing inside of me and for whatever reason, that totally changed my heart and I finally felt bonded to J as his mom, not just his caretaker.  Foster is the size of a cantaloupe, according to my pregnancy app, and her little life has already served such purpose in our family.  Her life has already given her older brother the greatest gift he could have gotten at this stage of his life: a mommy who is beyond proud to call herself HIS mommy. 
             J has made tremendous progress, all things considered, and although he developmentally doesn't come remotely close to any child his age, we look at J and all we see is joy. Most parents wake up to their kids screaming bloody murder. We wake up to J laughing hysterically in his crib at least once a week. He is becoming stronger every single day and his little brain is becoming so much more alert to the life around him. Seven months ago, he only responded to physical touch. Five months ago, he started giggling at sounds and thinks the sound of snorting and kissing noises is the funniest thing. He loves being tickled, loves being held and has started expressing himself and fussing when he isn't held. When he gets fussy, we play hymns on our phone and it almost immediately soothes him and relaxes him. Needless to say, this kid is not neurologically devastated as he was once labeled. God is answering our prayers, just not as QUICKLY and IMMEDIATELY and with the same results I want to see.
            We continue to face a lot of unknowns: J's health, J's final adoption date, Foster's health, anxiety about balancing life with two newborn babies even though one will be about 20 pounds heavier and a foot longer than the other,  all of the unknowns associated with Dustin's career and all the possibilities that range from Dustin making the roster in Baltimore to Dustin playing for a different team to him hanging up his cleats and retiring from the NFL and what each of these situations means for us a family unit.
           When we went to Israel, Tara-Leigh, my D-Group leader, asked each person on the trip to say the attribute of God that He has most revealed about Himself in this season of our life, and Dustin and I both separately said "provision". Even while staring at the unknowns and sometimes being absolutely terrified by the possible answers of these unknowns, I am clinging to the attribute that He has shown me time and time and time again since this time last year.  He works for our good and for His glory, even if His good differs from my plans and my definition of good. We are so grateful for this season and so grateful we serve a God who has chosen us to be His and a God who is so merciful, loving, kind, gracious, and provides abundantly more than we can ask for or imagine. He can be trusted.

Life Lately

        So… did I get your attention or what? 99% of you clicked on this link thinking A. Oh my gosh! Courtney is pregnant??!??!!! or B. Did I miss something? Was Courtney pregnant?! And immediately went to check my instragram or FB to see if you had missed something. Well either way. I got you here so please keep reading. 

So back to the title. Life lately. Oh man, where to even begin. As most of you know, Dustin spent this past offseason, preseason, and training camp with the Pittsburgh Steelers and he absolutely LOVED it. From the top all the way to the bottom, their organization shows integrity and class in how they coach, handle players, and manage their business. We were so excited to be a part of a team that was such a great fit and embraced Dustin's play and personality.  I spent a week in Pittsburgh at training camp and was able to be there for his first and second preseason game and absolutely loved seeing him in his element with a big ole smile on his face. After the second game, he walked over to me, gave me a hug, and said "My thumb kinda hurts so they are going to get an x-ray on it tomorrow morning." I flew out the next day and when I landed in Dallas I received a phone call that he was in a cast and he had broken his right thumb. A week later, I received another call at 7:30 in the morning that made my heart drop. He had gotten waived injured and would be flying home the next day to come home to heal and rehab. But before you start feeling bad for us, let me tell you his thumb injury was probably the greatest way The Lord has ever shown us His faithfulness, kindness, generosity, and provision. Dustin's thumb injury answered SO many of our cries and prayers to which we still sit in awe over it. So are you beyond confused by everything you have seen and read yet? Keep reading.

To some of you, this may come as a shock. To others, this is no surprise to you. I have always loved the concept of adoption and, as a little girl, I would talk to my parents about how my goal in life was to have one baby of every color. Even when Dustin and I started dating, we always said that adoption was something we would love to do. However, a while back, this longing to adopt began to get stronger and stronger by the day. I was consumed by it and spent hours listening to sermons, praying about it, doing research, and would always come back to feeling like I had hit a dead end. I would sit in our empty fourth bedroom and pray "God, what is this feeling? What is this prompting that You are doing? I know this room is going to be filled one day. What do you want us to do?"  If the doorbell rang, I would jokingly ask if my baby had shown up yet. I was seriously searching the sides of the roads because I kept having this overwhelming feeling that there was a baby in this world that we were supposed to open our home to. We prayed, our family prayed, our friends prayed, my D Group prayed, and in a crazy series of events, a baby literally arrived in our life and from the moment we laid eyes on this child, we knew the Holy Spirit's promptings were leading us to this baby boy. After taking time to pray, read Scripture, and talk and wrestle with what we felt led to do, Dustin and I felt called to open our home to this sweet baby. However, this specific child was not the happy, healthy, picture perfect baby that I had pictured my life with. This baby was sick. Very sick. He has been exposed to more cruelty than anyone should have to experience in a lifetime. He has spent a lifetime suffering for something he had no control over and did not deserve. Although I can't go into detail for obvious reasons, this baby has major neurological deficits and is severely delayed. We felt so called to bring THIS child home, that we felt that if we said "No" it would be out of blatant disobedience to what The Lord was leading us to do. So with all trembling and having no idea what we were facing and what his future might hold, we said "yes" and our fourth bedroom became filled with a little boy who desperately needed love.

Some time has passed since Baby came into our home, and let me tell you, our lives have changed forever. While Dustin was with the Steelers, we spent months preparing for the temporary move across the country with Baby. We talked to doctors, therapists, etc. and had racked so many brains figuring out how in the world we could make this temporary move happen. There were about 17,000 working pieces that had to happen in order for us to be together as a family.  So we came up with two plans: plan A (Dustin makes the roster and we would figure out details from there even if it meant not being together full time as a family) or plan B (Dustin would get released, he would be done with football, find a new career, and we wouldn't have to figure out the incredibly complicated move with Baby). It truly was a win/win for us. Which brings me to Plan C. The greatest plan of them all. The way The Lord showed us He is not limited to our Plan A’s and Plan B’s. Dustin came home with a paycheck, we get to spend time together as a family of three, and although we have no idea if Dustin will sign with a team after he is healed, he is still training because The Lord has not made it obvious to us that his NFL career is over. All because of a RIGHT THUMB injury. A CRUCIAL injury due to his position but such a minor injury in the grand scheme of life. Not a brain, not a shoulder, not an ACL. A thumb. THE LORD IS SO GRACIOUS.

But why am I sharing this for the world? Why am I just now telling our story. Well, we have been praying and praying for baby boy’s healing. He is getting SO much stronger but he is far from where a child his age should be developmentally.  This act of obedience has been nothing but exhausting, hard, and taxing. Taking care of Baby is a full time, 24 hour/7 day a week grind. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting and has drawn Dustin and me to tears more than anything else in our lives. I see healthy babies all around me and I fight off tears. I see children interacting with their parents and my heart breaks. Some days offer hope, cheers, smiles, and laughter with Baby's progress, but other days offer hopelessness, tears, anger, and frustration with the lack of progress in the time frame that I have in my mind. Yesterday was one of the latter days. Yesterday was a day that I was left feeling angry and felt like I was yelling at The Lord "WHERE ARE YOU!!! WHY WON'T YOU HEAL HIM??? WHY DID YOU ASK US TO DO THIS? WHY DID YOU CHOOSE US! I WANT TO LIVE LIFE MY WAY!! FIX HIM NOW!!!" And all day long I felt like I was listening to the enemy whisper lies to my ears. "Are you sure He even exists? If He does, are you sure that He really is good? Are you sure He can heal him? Yeah, you and Dustin are crazy for doing this.  He isn't going to provide for you. You are going to be left looking like a fool for the world for doing this" and on and on it went. Dustin and I ended our day in a tearful prayer and I could not have been more excited to be done with the day.

This morning I woke up praising God that His mercies are new each morning. I called my mom and chatted with her for a little bit about my emotional state yesterday and she suggested something, "Why don't you write down reasons why Baby has value and keep it in your Bible and put it all over your house as a reminder so when you have days like yesterday, you can be reminded that He is good and this baby is such a gift to all of us” I loved that idea, so I sat down with Dustin and we brainstormed. About 3/4 of the way through the discussion, we looked at each other and we knew exactly what we needed to do with this list. We knew we needed to share the story of how something so broken, so unwanted, so devastated, so lowly could add such value to our life and point us straight to the cross. We want to share how this baby is the greatest blessing we could have asked for because his life has given us a completely new perspective. We hope that you will be as humbled and in awe of this baby’s value to our life and to all that have met him. We hope and pray that while reading you will either fall down in worship or that the Holy Spirit would spark your curiosity about the God Dustin and I worship.

REASON ONE:

Baby has inherent value because he has been made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and was "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). From the moment of conception, Baby's life had value to this world and had a life that mattered.  This baby is literally the cutest thing you have ever seen with the SWEETEST disposition and we love him DEARLY.  Just because he doesn't function in or look the same way you and I do, doesn't mean he doesn't have worth or purpose in this life.   

REASON TWO:

The Lord has used Baby to paint such a beautiful picture of the gospel. He was born into sin and has spent his life suffering from the consequences of sin. Sin has left him broken, unwanted, hopeless, and on the path to death, but because of adoption, he has hope and is on the path to life. Y'all, as believers, Baby’s story is the same story that you and I have experienced. We are born into sin and suffer the consequences of sin, but because He has chosen us to be His, we are saved from those deadly consequences. To summarize Ephesians 2:1-7, we were dead in our sins and are by nature children of wrath, BUT GOD made us alive and it is “by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing: it is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9). The Father has chosen us and adopted us to be His and, because of His grace and Jesus’ obedience on the cross, we have hope and can rest in His promises of eternal life. Baby did not choose us to be his parents and did nothing to earn our favor. As much as I like to think I can earn God’s favor by my good works, Scripture says that my righteous acts are “like filthy rags” (Isaiah 64:6) and there is nothing I did to deserve His grace.

REASON THREE:

The fear associated with the responsibility of taking care of Baby has drawn us closer to Him than ever before. We have NO control over Baby's health or future. As much as I want to control his healing (and everything else for that matter.. thanks, Eve) I cannot be his healer.  All The Lord has called me to do is obey, love Him and others, and trust in Him.  

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37-39).

 "Those who know Your name put their trust in you, for you, Oh Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you" (Psalm 9:10) 

In fact, we have no other option but to trust The Lord in this.  We have no idea what Dustin's career path looks like or if he will have a job a year from today. We are truly living life day by day and have no idea what we are going to do after this 12 week injury settlement is done. Unknowns and uncertainties dominate our life but we must choose to find contentment and joy in the midst of the uncertainties. I have been clinging to the verse "By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:9). By faith, we obeyed and brought this child in with no expectation or anticipation of what is to come. By faith, we are trusting that He will give us the daily grace to sustain us because His grace is sufficient and "his power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

REASON FOUR:

God has used Baby to show us that living a life with ease and comfort in this world is not how we are called to live as Christ followers. As much as I try to be perfect, The Lord gave me a very imperfect baby to remind me that no matter how hard I try, perfection can not be achieved outside of Jesus. "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:21). No Biblical figure had life handed to them. No Biblical figure lived a life free from hardship. No Biblical figure lived in a beautiful two story house with a perfectly manicured lawn with 2.2 children swinging in the backyard while the mom and dad drink lemonade with their yellow lab sitting beside them. God uses the ordinary, the sinners, the imperfect, and through trials and fire, he refines us and purifies to make us look more like His Son. Jesus said "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). Paul spent the first part of his life persecuting and killing Christians, but after an encounter with the risen Jesus, Paul spent the rest of his life proclaiming Jesus and greatly suffered for it. It was Paul who said "To live is Christ, to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21). Scripture makes it very clear that "you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes" (James 4:14). As much as I like to think if I were to die tomorrow, the world would stop, Scripture tells me otherwise. My life is a MIST! The troubles, the heartache, the suffering that we experience in this world is to make our hearts long for the day we will no longer experience suffering. This baby has made our hearts long for eternity when he will receive his perfect body. Baby has made us understand what Jesus says when He said "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me" (Luke 9:23). We must die to our fleshly desires and "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 13:14).

REASON FIVE

My greatest desire is that one day Baby will randomly look up at Dustin and me and that something will instantly click in his little brain that we are the ones who have loved him, protected him, fed him, and provided for him. And y’all. That desire of mine is exactly what my Heavenly Father desires from us. All He wants is for us to LOOK UP, and know HE is the reason we exist, are loved, are protected, are fed, and are provided for. All He asks is that we have eyes on Him and on eternity. 

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made the heaven and the earth" (Psalm 121:1-2).

“As we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18)

REASON SIX 

Baby has opened up our eyes to the brokenness of our society and the selfishness of our own hearts. My flesh would be perfectly content living in a gated community in the suburbs, far away from the exposed and obvious darkness and ugliness of the world we live in. This baby is just one of hundreds of thousands of babies that are suffering the same consequences of sin. We live in a broken world because of the fall that took place in Genesis 3 and we are daily challenged with how we can step outside ourselves and serve those who are hurting and suffering. As believers, we all need to step up and pray and ask The Lord how we can help. “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves” (Romans 15:1).  

REASON SEVEN

One day when I was wresting with the fact that Baby doesn't respond in a way that allows me to see the fruits of my labor, a dear friend of mine, Shelby, encouraged me with Colossians 3:23, a verse I have known since the age of 4, that now sits completely different with me. 

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for The Lord and not for men, knowing that from The Lord you will receive an inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ"  

Even though Baby doesn't look up at me as Momma, I am daily learning what it means to work because He called me to and not to work to feed my idolatry of performance. If I graded myself as a mom based on how many milestones Baby has hit or how many words he’s saying, or the fun, enjoyable personality that he has, I would get the biggest, fattest F the world has ever seen. I am daily reminding myself that my identity rests as His child, not as Baby’s mother. 

Please here me say. We do not have this whole parenthood thing down.  We do not have the whole “denying yourself” thing figured out. We daily struggle and wrestle and fight with the task at hand. We are doing this only because He has given us the heart, faith, and trust to do this. We are both sinners saved by grace and are by no means greater than the sinners we surround ourselves with. Please also hear me say, he is getting better and stronger by the day! The progress may be slow but we feel there is nothing but hope for Baby's future. We are humbled The Lord asked us then granted us the faith and trust to open our home. We are humbled that He has used Baby to show us more of Himself. And we are beyond humbled that we get to serve Jesus in this way. 

BUT GOD. The two words that change everything.The two words that we are clinging to. From a medical perspective, baby's ability to function is hopeless. BUT GOD. We know He is able to heal Baby, we just don’t know how He will choose to glorify Himself through Baby’s life. So for all who made it this far into this reading, we are asking you to join us as we pray for Baby's physical healing, for his impact, purpose, and future; and for our ability to parent, nurture, and love Baby even though we feel so unequipped for this task. Please pray for wisdom for us as we make decisions on a regular basis that greatly affect this child that The Lord put in our home. Please join us in our hope and prayers that start with "BUT GOD"

"He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me" (2 Samuel 22:20)

Learning to Run with Patience

I'm just going to be honest here---I am probably the most impatient, control-seeking person I know.  I constantly assess the lines at the grocery store for the one that has the best person to basket load ratio, the traffic lines to see which one has the fewest cars with the best ability to accelerate, the lines on my google maps to see which roads will most efficiently get me from point A to point B in the most timely manner, and of course, I pride myself on how many rows of dishes I can put away while my coffee is brewing, because heaven forbid I be unproductive for 2 whole minutes. My mentor, Kelley, has said her fleshly life motto is "Immediately, if not sooner" and holy moly, how I relate to that statement!

As most of you know, Dustin signed to the Buffalo Bills practice squad in September but was released in the middle of October due to injuries on the Bills. Mind you, this was two days after he finally received his truck in Buffalo, two hours before he was supposed to board the team flight to London, and two weeks before I was going to join him for the rest of this football season. So what have we been doing since he has been home in Dallas? We have been sitting and waiting in what feels like football silence. AGAIN. Waiting for his truck to be picked up and shipped back to Texas, waiting for Sundays, waiting on injury reports, waiting for phone calls, waiting for workouts, waiting to see if we can find a place to live when our lease expires in December, waiting to hear back from job applications, waiting to see if God will answer any of the question marks that seem to be in front of us in every area of our life. 

As you can imagine, my entire being isn't wired for this "waiting game" that we have been forced to play. For five solid weeks, I was waking up in the middle of the night EVERY night with anxiety and feeling like I was wrestling with God. "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?! WE DESERVE THE NFL! YOUR WORD SAYS "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4) AND COME ON! WE ARE DELIGHTING IN YOU! WHAT IS THE POINT OF US ASKING WHEN YOU CLEARLY KEEP SAYING 'NO, NO, NO!' WHAT ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I HAVE GIVEN UP LIKE MY OWN CAREER?! I SACRIFICED ALL OF MY PREVIOUS HARD WORK FOR THIS?!  FOR BOTH OF US TO BE UNEMPLOYED, ANGRY, AND WITH SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS?!" I am not exaggerating when I say I literally cried every single day because I was so exhausted and frustrated with our situation. I was a miserable human being to be around those five weeks: just ask my husband, our families, and our closest friends. 

You're probably thinking, "Courtney, what is your deal?! You are being dramatic and acting like your world just came crashing down when in reality, your husband who is a quarterback in the NFL got released from two teams this year. What a first-world problem to have!" And let me tell you, I struggled with this exact thought. I would get angry at myself and tell myself "YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS, COURTNEY! THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.  PEOPLE ARE GOING THROUGH WAY MORE DIFFICULT TRIALS THAT LEAD TO MUCH GREATER HEARTACHE!!! STOP BEING SO SELFISH!!!" But the truth is the NFL is our current trial and our current heartache. Was I truly delighting in the Lord and trusting Him in the midst of wrestling with Him? Clearly not. Was I being selfish and wanting God to respond on MY timing and with MY answers. Oh yes. But after discussing things through with a professional counselor, she helped me discover that what happened to us this football season was the event that broke my flesh down and led to the painful sanctification process and exposure of my wicked heart ("The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? -Jeremiah 17:9). Turns out, I'm not as perfect as I sometimes tend to think I am. I have spent 25 years being able to control my own life and things have truly worked out in my favor. The loss of a job is just the small incident that God used to graciously and lovingly expose me of my sin.

So, where am I going with all of this? Well, as the months have gone by and the wrestling match has ceased, here is what I have learned.

 We all are waiting on something.

We all have question marks in our life that we desperately want to replace with answers  "immediately, if not sooner." Whether we are wanting answers to our struggles with fertility, careers and job promotions, death of a loved one, disease, sadness, or hurt, this life is full of question marks and uncertainties.

So what do we do in the midst of the question marks? What do we do when we look at our life and feel like it is falling apart? What do we do in the midst of silence and waiting for God to move in the ways that WE want Him to move? I wish I had a magical formula but let me just share a few of the MANY things the Lord has taught Dustin and me in this season of our life.  

1. We don't have control. And instead of being angry with that statement, we should be freed it by it.

2. We are learning that life is so much sweeter when we stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start looking up. 

3. We are daily learning to be content in the here and the now and the current situation God has called us to be in.

4. We have learned not to make the mistake of thinking our perception of God's silence is synonymous to an answer of "No"

5. We are learning this life is not about Courtney and Dustin and what we think we deserve. This life is about our Father, who used His only Son, Jesus, who died a death He didn't deserve. 

Over and over again, the Bible both directly and indirectly discusses the topic of patience and faith. Abraham was faithful as He patiently waited for God to fulfill His promise of making Abraham the father of many nations, Moses was faithful as he patiently waited on God to fulfill His promise to lead His people out of slavery, Job was faithful as he patiently waited for God to bring him out of the trials and heart ache he faced time and time again.  But what is the most mind blowing story of faith and patience? God is patient with us in the midst of our sin because of what His Son faithfully did on the cross.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God" -Hebrews 12:1-2 (ESV)

The ESV translation says to "run with endurance" but other translations include the NIV which says to  "run with perseverance" and the KJV translation which says to "run with patience" Ah. patience. The word that rocks me to the core. What in the world does that mean? Run with patience? One of the excerpts in "Streams in the Desert" is written by George Matheson and the following is his commentary of Hebrews 12:1 and what it means to "run with patience"

"Lying down during a time of grief, or being quiet after a financial setback, certainly implies great strength, but I know of something that suggests even greater strength--the power to continue working after a setback, the power to still run with a heavy heart, and the power to perform your daily tasks with deep sorrow in your spirit. This is a Christlike thing!"

                                                                                         -George Matheson

Jesus knew the purpose He came to this earth was to bear the burden of OUR sins once and for all.  Even though Jesus waited for His ultimate heartbreaking and undeserving fate, His whole life was spent running and serving others. So isn't that what we are all called to do in the various ways of waiting?! Instead of moping about our situation, doesn't God want us to love and serve Him right where we are. Doesn't the enemy win if we are to sit and sulk and pout about the situation?! 

Although we have NO idea what is going to happen next, we refuse to let Satan win. We refuse to be defeated. We refuse to let the issues surrounding the NFL dominate our lives and our marriage. Dustin is working out harder than ever and throwing the ball more than ever. But he is also clinging to Scripture, praying, and trusting God more than ever. And isn't that EXACTLY where God wants all of us to be? Held together by the Truth of His Word and following His Spirit's lead? If Dustin's NFL career were to end today, we would be okay because we don't NEED the NFL. Are we grateful for the opportunities within the NFL? ABSOLUTELY!!! But we know and trust that God will provide us with something even greater if He leads us down a different road than the one we pictured with my husband's football career. Dustin is INCREDIBLY smart, loyal, competitive, hardworking, wise, driven, and has the greatest support system of family and friends rallying behind him because of the man he is, not because of the team he plays for. We have the most amazing people in our life who have shown us grace, love, encouragement, support, and showered us with prayers. So may we all run with patience as we wait for glimpses of hope in the midst of our circumstances. May we all run with patience as we find ways to love and serve others in the midst of the question marks. May we all run with patience as we boldly cling to the cross and trust that He will provide in His perfect way and in His perfect timing. 

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"-Romans 8:25