Learning to Run with Patience

I'm just going to be honest here---I am probably the most impatient, control-seeking person I know.  I constantly assess the lines at the grocery store for the one that has the best person to basket load ratio, the traffic lines to see which one has the fewest cars with the best ability to accelerate, the lines on my google maps to see which roads will most efficiently get me from point A to point B in the most timely manner, and of course, I pride myself on how many rows of dishes I can put away while my coffee is brewing, because heaven forbid I be unproductive for 2 whole minutes. My mentor, Kelley, has said her fleshly life motto is "Immediately, if not sooner" and holy moly, how I relate to that statement!

As most of you know, Dustin signed to the Buffalo Bills practice squad in September but was released in the middle of October due to injuries on the Bills. Mind you, this was two days after he finally received his truck in Buffalo, two hours before he was supposed to board the team flight to London, and two weeks before I was going to join him for the rest of this football season. So what have we been doing since he has been home in Dallas? We have been sitting and waiting in what feels like football silence. AGAIN. Waiting for his truck to be picked up and shipped back to Texas, waiting for Sundays, waiting on injury reports, waiting for phone calls, waiting for workouts, waiting to see if we can find a place to live when our lease expires in December, waiting to hear back from job applications, waiting to see if God will answer any of the question marks that seem to be in front of us in every area of our life. 

As you can imagine, my entire being isn't wired for this "waiting game" that we have been forced to play. For five solid weeks, I was waking up in the middle of the night EVERY night with anxiety and feeling like I was wrestling with God. "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?! WE DESERVE THE NFL! YOUR WORD SAYS "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4) AND COME ON! WE ARE DELIGHTING IN YOU! WHAT IS THE POINT OF US ASKING WHEN YOU CLEARLY KEEP SAYING 'NO, NO, NO!' WHAT ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I HAVE GIVEN UP LIKE MY OWN CAREER?! I SACRIFICED ALL OF MY PREVIOUS HARD WORK FOR THIS?!  FOR BOTH OF US TO BE UNEMPLOYED, ANGRY, AND WITH SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS?!" I am not exaggerating when I say I literally cried every single day because I was so exhausted and frustrated with our situation. I was a miserable human being to be around those five weeks: just ask my husband, our families, and our closest friends. 

You're probably thinking, "Courtney, what is your deal?! You are being dramatic and acting like your world just came crashing down when in reality, your husband who is a quarterback in the NFL got released from two teams this year. What a first-world problem to have!" And let me tell you, I struggled with this exact thought. I would get angry at myself and tell myself "YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS, COURTNEY! THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.  PEOPLE ARE GOING THROUGH WAY MORE DIFFICULT TRIALS THAT LEAD TO MUCH GREATER HEARTACHE!!! STOP BEING SO SELFISH!!!" But the truth is the NFL is our current trial and our current heartache. Was I truly delighting in the Lord and trusting Him in the midst of wrestling with Him? Clearly not. Was I being selfish and wanting God to respond on MY timing and with MY answers. Oh yes. But after discussing things through with a professional counselor, she helped me discover that what happened to us this football season was the event that broke my flesh down and led to the painful sanctification process and exposure of my wicked heart ("The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? -Jeremiah 17:9). Turns out, I'm not as perfect as I sometimes tend to think I am. I have spent 25 years being able to control my own life and things have truly worked out in my favor. The loss of a job is just the small incident that God used to graciously and lovingly expose me of my sin.

So, where am I going with all of this? Well, as the months have gone by and the wrestling match has ceased, here is what I have learned.

 We all are waiting on something.

We all have question marks in our life that we desperately want to replace with answers  "immediately, if not sooner." Whether we are wanting answers to our struggles with fertility, careers and job promotions, death of a loved one, disease, sadness, or hurt, this life is full of question marks and uncertainties.

So what do we do in the midst of the question marks? What do we do when we look at our life and feel like it is falling apart? What do we do in the midst of silence and waiting for God to move in the ways that WE want Him to move? I wish I had a magical formula but let me just share a few of the MANY things the Lord has taught Dustin and me in this season of our life.  

1. We don't have control. And instead of being angry with that statement, we should be freed it by it.

2. We are learning that life is so much sweeter when we stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start looking up. 

3. We are daily learning to be content in the here and the now and the current situation God has called us to be in.

4. We have learned not to make the mistake of thinking our perception of God's silence is synonymous to an answer of "No"

5. We are learning this life is not about Courtney and Dustin and what we think we deserve. This life is about our Father, who used His only Son, Jesus, who died a death He didn't deserve. 

Over and over again, the Bible both directly and indirectly discusses the topic of patience and faith. Abraham was faithful as He patiently waited for God to fulfill His promise of making Abraham the father of many nations, Moses was faithful as he patiently waited on God to fulfill His promise to lead His people out of slavery, Job was faithful as he patiently waited for God to bring him out of the trials and heart ache he faced time and time again.  But what is the most mind blowing story of faith and patience? God is patient with us in the midst of our sin because of what His Son faithfully did on the cross.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God" -Hebrews 12:1-2 (ESV)

The ESV translation says to "run with endurance" but other translations include the NIV which says to  "run with perseverance" and the KJV translation which says to "run with patience" Ah. patience. The word that rocks me to the core. What in the world does that mean? Run with patience? One of the excerpts in "Streams in the Desert" is written by George Matheson and the following is his commentary of Hebrews 12:1 and what it means to "run with patience"

"Lying down during a time of grief, or being quiet after a financial setback, certainly implies great strength, but I know of something that suggests even greater strength--the power to continue working after a setback, the power to still run with a heavy heart, and the power to perform your daily tasks with deep sorrow in your spirit. This is a Christlike thing!"

                                                                                         -George Matheson

Jesus knew the purpose He came to this earth was to bear the burden of OUR sins once and for all.  Even though Jesus waited for His ultimate heartbreaking and undeserving fate, His whole life was spent running and serving others. So isn't that what we are all called to do in the various ways of waiting?! Instead of moping about our situation, doesn't God want us to love and serve Him right where we are. Doesn't the enemy win if we are to sit and sulk and pout about the situation?! 

Although we have NO idea what is going to happen next, we refuse to let Satan win. We refuse to be defeated. We refuse to let the issues surrounding the NFL dominate our lives and our marriage. Dustin is working out harder than ever and throwing the ball more than ever. But he is also clinging to Scripture, praying, and trusting God more than ever. And isn't that EXACTLY where God wants all of us to be? Held together by the Truth of His Word and following His Spirit's lead? If Dustin's NFL career were to end today, we would be okay because we don't NEED the NFL. Are we grateful for the opportunities within the NFL? ABSOLUTELY!!! But we know and trust that God will provide us with something even greater if He leads us down a different road than the one we pictured with my husband's football career. Dustin is INCREDIBLY smart, loyal, competitive, hardworking, wise, driven, and has the greatest support system of family and friends rallying behind him because of the man he is, not because of the team he plays for. We have the most amazing people in our life who have shown us grace, love, encouragement, support, and showered us with prayers. So may we all run with patience as we wait for glimpses of hope in the midst of our circumstances. May we all run with patience as we find ways to love and serve others in the midst of the question marks. May we all run with patience as we boldly cling to the cross and trust that He will provide in His perfect way and in His perfect timing. 

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"-Romans 8:25