Life Lately

        So… did I get your attention or what? 99% of you clicked on this link thinking A. Oh my gosh! Courtney is pregnant??!??!!! or B. Did I miss something? Was Courtney pregnant?! And immediately went to check my instragram or FB to see if you had missed something. Well either way. I got you here so please keep reading. 

So back to the title. Life lately. Oh man, where to even begin. As most of you know, Dustin spent this past offseason, preseason, and training camp with the Pittsburgh Steelers and he absolutely LOVED it. From the top all the way to the bottom, their organization shows integrity and class in how they coach, handle players, and manage their business. We were so excited to be a part of a team that was such a great fit and embraced Dustin's play and personality.  I spent a week in Pittsburgh at training camp and was able to be there for his first and second preseason game and absolutely loved seeing him in his element with a big ole smile on his face. After the second game, he walked over to me, gave me a hug, and said "My thumb kinda hurts so they are going to get an x-ray on it tomorrow morning." I flew out the next day and when I landed in Dallas I received a phone call that he was in a cast and he had broken his right thumb. A week later, I received another call at 7:30 in the morning that made my heart drop. He had gotten waived injured and would be flying home the next day to come home to heal and rehab. But before you start feeling bad for us, let me tell you his thumb injury was probably the greatest way The Lord has ever shown us His faithfulness, kindness, generosity, and provision. Dustin's thumb injury answered SO many of our cries and prayers to which we still sit in awe over it. So are you beyond confused by everything you have seen and read yet? Keep reading.

To some of you, this may come as a shock. To others, this is no surprise to you. I have always loved the concept of adoption and, as a little girl, I would talk to my parents about how my goal in life was to have one baby of every color. Even when Dustin and I started dating, we always said that adoption was something we would love to do. However, a while back, this longing to adopt began to get stronger and stronger by the day. I was consumed by it and spent hours listening to sermons, praying about it, doing research, and would always come back to feeling like I had hit a dead end. I would sit in our empty fourth bedroom and pray "God, what is this feeling? What is this prompting that You are doing? I know this room is going to be filled one day. What do you want us to do?"  If the doorbell rang, I would jokingly ask if my baby had shown up yet. I was seriously searching the sides of the roads because I kept having this overwhelming feeling that there was a baby in this world that we were supposed to open our home to. We prayed, our family prayed, our friends prayed, my D Group prayed, and in a crazy series of events, a baby literally arrived in our life and from the moment we laid eyes on this child, we knew the Holy Spirit's promptings were leading us to this baby boy. After taking time to pray, read Scripture, and talk and wrestle with what we felt led to do, Dustin and I felt called to open our home to this sweet baby. However, this specific child was not the happy, healthy, picture perfect baby that I had pictured my life with. This baby was sick. Very sick. He has been exposed to more cruelty than anyone should have to experience in a lifetime. He has spent a lifetime suffering for something he had no control over and did not deserve. Although I can't go into detail for obvious reasons, this baby has major neurological deficits and is severely delayed. We felt so called to bring THIS child home, that we felt that if we said "No" it would be out of blatant disobedience to what The Lord was leading us to do. So with all trembling and having no idea what we were facing and what his future might hold, we said "yes" and our fourth bedroom became filled with a little boy who desperately needed love.

Some time has passed since Baby came into our home, and let me tell you, our lives have changed forever. While Dustin was with the Steelers, we spent months preparing for the temporary move across the country with Baby. We talked to doctors, therapists, etc. and had racked so many brains figuring out how in the world we could make this temporary move happen. There were about 17,000 working pieces that had to happen in order for us to be together as a family.  So we came up with two plans: plan A (Dustin makes the roster and we would figure out details from there even if it meant not being together full time as a family) or plan B (Dustin would get released, he would be done with football, find a new career, and we wouldn't have to figure out the incredibly complicated move with Baby). It truly was a win/win for us. Which brings me to Plan C. The greatest plan of them all. The way The Lord showed us He is not limited to our Plan A’s and Plan B’s. Dustin came home with a paycheck, we get to spend time together as a family of three, and although we have no idea if Dustin will sign with a team after he is healed, he is still training because The Lord has not made it obvious to us that his NFL career is over. All because of a RIGHT THUMB injury. A CRUCIAL injury due to his position but such a minor injury in the grand scheme of life. Not a brain, not a shoulder, not an ACL. A thumb. THE LORD IS SO GRACIOUS.

But why am I sharing this for the world? Why am I just now telling our story. Well, we have been praying and praying for baby boy’s healing. He is getting SO much stronger but he is far from where a child his age should be developmentally.  This act of obedience has been nothing but exhausting, hard, and taxing. Taking care of Baby is a full time, 24 hour/7 day a week grind. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting and has drawn Dustin and me to tears more than anything else in our lives. I see healthy babies all around me and I fight off tears. I see children interacting with their parents and my heart breaks. Some days offer hope, cheers, smiles, and laughter with Baby's progress, but other days offer hopelessness, tears, anger, and frustration with the lack of progress in the time frame that I have in my mind. Yesterday was one of the latter days. Yesterday was a day that I was left feeling angry and felt like I was yelling at The Lord "WHERE ARE YOU!!! WHY WON'T YOU HEAL HIM??? WHY DID YOU ASK US TO DO THIS? WHY DID YOU CHOOSE US! I WANT TO LIVE LIFE MY WAY!! FIX HIM NOW!!!" And all day long I felt like I was listening to the enemy whisper lies to my ears. "Are you sure He even exists? If He does, are you sure that He really is good? Are you sure He can heal him? Yeah, you and Dustin are crazy for doing this.  He isn't going to provide for you. You are going to be left looking like a fool for the world for doing this" and on and on it went. Dustin and I ended our day in a tearful prayer and I could not have been more excited to be done with the day.

This morning I woke up praising God that His mercies are new each morning. I called my mom and chatted with her for a little bit about my emotional state yesterday and she suggested something, "Why don't you write down reasons why Baby has value and keep it in your Bible and put it all over your house as a reminder so when you have days like yesterday, you can be reminded that He is good and this baby is such a gift to all of us” I loved that idea, so I sat down with Dustin and we brainstormed. About 3/4 of the way through the discussion, we looked at each other and we knew exactly what we needed to do with this list. We knew we needed to share the story of how something so broken, so unwanted, so devastated, so lowly could add such value to our life and point us straight to the cross. We want to share how this baby is the greatest blessing we could have asked for because his life has given us a completely new perspective. We hope that you will be as humbled and in awe of this baby’s value to our life and to all that have met him. We hope and pray that while reading you will either fall down in worship or that the Holy Spirit would spark your curiosity about the God Dustin and I worship.

REASON ONE:

Baby has inherent value because he has been made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and was "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14). From the moment of conception, Baby's life had value to this world and had a life that mattered.  This baby is literally the cutest thing you have ever seen with the SWEETEST disposition and we love him DEARLY.  Just because he doesn't function in or look the same way you and I do, doesn't mean he doesn't have worth or purpose in this life.   

REASON TWO:

The Lord has used Baby to paint such a beautiful picture of the gospel. He was born into sin and has spent his life suffering from the consequences of sin. Sin has left him broken, unwanted, hopeless, and on the path to death, but because of adoption, he has hope and is on the path to life. Y'all, as believers, Baby’s story is the same story that you and I have experienced. We are born into sin and suffer the consequences of sin, but because He has chosen us to be His, we are saved from those deadly consequences. To summarize Ephesians 2:1-7, we were dead in our sins and are by nature children of wrath, BUT GOD made us alive and it is “by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing: it is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast" (Ephesians 2:8-9). The Father has chosen us and adopted us to be His and, because of His grace and Jesus’ obedience on the cross, we have hope and can rest in His promises of eternal life. Baby did not choose us to be his parents and did nothing to earn our favor. As much as I like to think I can earn God’s favor by my good works, Scripture says that my righteous acts are “like filthy rags” (Isaiah 64:6) and there is nothing I did to deserve His grace.

REASON THREE:

The fear associated with the responsibility of taking care of Baby has drawn us closer to Him than ever before. We have NO control over Baby's health or future. As much as I want to control his healing (and everything else for that matter.. thanks, Eve) I cannot be his healer.  All The Lord has called me to do is obey, love Him and others, and trust in Him.  

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37-39).

 "Those who know Your name put their trust in you, for you, Oh Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you" (Psalm 9:10) 

In fact, we have no other option but to trust The Lord in this.  We have no idea what Dustin's career path looks like or if he will have a job a year from today. We are truly living life day by day and have no idea what we are going to do after this 12 week injury settlement is done. Unknowns and uncertainties dominate our life but we must choose to find contentment and joy in the midst of the uncertainties. I have been clinging to the verse "By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:9). By faith, we obeyed and brought this child in with no expectation or anticipation of what is to come. By faith, we are trusting that He will give us the daily grace to sustain us because His grace is sufficient and "his power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). 

REASON FOUR:

God has used Baby to show us that living a life with ease and comfort in this world is not how we are called to live as Christ followers. As much as I try to be perfect, The Lord gave me a very imperfect baby to remind me that no matter how hard I try, perfection can not be achieved outside of Jesus. "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him" (2 Corinthians 5:21). No Biblical figure had life handed to them. No Biblical figure lived a life free from hardship. No Biblical figure lived in a beautiful two story house with a perfectly manicured lawn with 2.2 children swinging in the backyard while the mom and dad drink lemonade with their yellow lab sitting beside them. God uses the ordinary, the sinners, the imperfect, and through trials and fire, he refines us and purifies to make us look more like His Son. Jesus said "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). Paul spent the first part of his life persecuting and killing Christians, but after an encounter with the risen Jesus, Paul spent the rest of his life proclaiming Jesus and greatly suffered for it. It was Paul who said "To live is Christ, to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21). Scripture makes it very clear that "you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes" (James 4:14). As much as I like to think if I were to die tomorrow, the world would stop, Scripture tells me otherwise. My life is a MIST! The troubles, the heartache, the suffering that we experience in this world is to make our hearts long for the day we will no longer experience suffering. This baby has made our hearts long for eternity when he will receive his perfect body. Baby has made us understand what Jesus says when He said "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me" (Luke 9:23). We must die to our fleshly desires and "put on the Lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 13:14).

REASON FIVE

My greatest desire is that one day Baby will randomly look up at Dustin and me and that something will instantly click in his little brain that we are the ones who have loved him, protected him, fed him, and provided for him. And y’all. That desire of mine is exactly what my Heavenly Father desires from us. All He wants is for us to LOOK UP, and know HE is the reason we exist, are loved, are protected, are fed, and are provided for. All He asks is that we have eyes on Him and on eternity. 

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made the heaven and the earth" (Psalm 121:1-2).

“As we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18)

REASON SIX 

Baby has opened up our eyes to the brokenness of our society and the selfishness of our own hearts. My flesh would be perfectly content living in a gated community in the suburbs, far away from the exposed and obvious darkness and ugliness of the world we live in. This baby is just one of hundreds of thousands of babies that are suffering the same consequences of sin. We live in a broken world because of the fall that took place in Genesis 3 and we are daily challenged with how we can step outside ourselves and serve those who are hurting and suffering. As believers, we all need to step up and pray and ask The Lord how we can help. “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves” (Romans 15:1).  

REASON SEVEN

One day when I was wresting with the fact that Baby doesn't respond in a way that allows me to see the fruits of my labor, a dear friend of mine, Shelby, encouraged me with Colossians 3:23, a verse I have known since the age of 4, that now sits completely different with me. 

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for The Lord and not for men, knowing that from The Lord you will receive an inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ"  

Even though Baby doesn't look up at me as Momma, I am daily learning what it means to work because He called me to and not to work to feed my idolatry of performance. If I graded myself as a mom based on how many milestones Baby has hit or how many words he’s saying, or the fun, enjoyable personality that he has, I would get the biggest, fattest F the world has ever seen. I am daily reminding myself that my identity rests as His child, not as Baby’s mother. 

Please here me say. We do not have this whole parenthood thing down.  We do not have the whole “denying yourself” thing figured out. We daily struggle and wrestle and fight with the task at hand. We are doing this only because He has given us the heart, faith, and trust to do this. We are both sinners saved by grace and are by no means greater than the sinners we surround ourselves with. Please also hear me say, he is getting better and stronger by the day! The progress may be slow but we feel there is nothing but hope for Baby's future. We are humbled The Lord asked us then granted us the faith and trust to open our home. We are humbled that He has used Baby to show us more of Himself. And we are beyond humbled that we get to serve Jesus in this way. 

BUT GOD. The two words that change everything.The two words that we are clinging to. From a medical perspective, baby's ability to function is hopeless. BUT GOD. We know He is able to heal Baby, we just don’t know how He will choose to glorify Himself through Baby’s life. So for all who made it this far into this reading, we are asking you to join us as we pray for Baby's physical healing, for his impact, purpose, and future; and for our ability to parent, nurture, and love Baby even though we feel so unequipped for this task. Please pray for wisdom for us as we make decisions on a regular basis that greatly affect this child that The Lord put in our home. Please join us in our hope and prayers that start with "BUT GOD"

"He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me" (2 Samuel 22:20)

Learning to Run with Patience

I'm just going to be honest here---I am probably the most impatient, control-seeking person I know.  I constantly assess the lines at the grocery store for the one that has the best person to basket load ratio, the traffic lines to see which one has the fewest cars with the best ability to accelerate, the lines on my google maps to see which roads will most efficiently get me from point A to point B in the most timely manner, and of course, I pride myself on how many rows of dishes I can put away while my coffee is brewing, because heaven forbid I be unproductive for 2 whole minutes. My mentor, Kelley, has said her fleshly life motto is "Immediately, if not sooner" and holy moly, how I relate to that statement!

As most of you know, Dustin signed to the Buffalo Bills practice squad in September but was released in the middle of October due to injuries on the Bills. Mind you, this was two days after he finally received his truck in Buffalo, two hours before he was supposed to board the team flight to London, and two weeks before I was going to join him for the rest of this football season. So what have we been doing since he has been home in Dallas? We have been sitting and waiting in what feels like football silence. AGAIN. Waiting for his truck to be picked up and shipped back to Texas, waiting for Sundays, waiting on injury reports, waiting for phone calls, waiting for workouts, waiting to see if we can find a place to live when our lease expires in December, waiting to hear back from job applications, waiting to see if God will answer any of the question marks that seem to be in front of us in every area of our life. 

As you can imagine, my entire being isn't wired for this "waiting game" that we have been forced to play. For five solid weeks, I was waking up in the middle of the night EVERY night with anxiety and feeling like I was wrestling with God. "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?! WE DESERVE THE NFL! YOUR WORD SAYS "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4) AND COME ON! WE ARE DELIGHTING IN YOU! WHAT IS THE POINT OF US ASKING WHEN YOU CLEARLY KEEP SAYING 'NO, NO, NO!' WHAT ABOUT ALL THE THINGS I HAVE GIVEN UP LIKE MY OWN CAREER?! I SACRIFICED ALL OF MY PREVIOUS HARD WORK FOR THIS?!  FOR BOTH OF US TO BE UNEMPLOYED, ANGRY, AND WITH SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS?!" I am not exaggerating when I say I literally cried every single day because I was so exhausted and frustrated with our situation. I was a miserable human being to be around those five weeks: just ask my husband, our families, and our closest friends. 

You're probably thinking, "Courtney, what is your deal?! You are being dramatic and acting like your world just came crashing down when in reality, your husband who is a quarterback in the NFL got released from two teams this year. What a first-world problem to have!" And let me tell you, I struggled with this exact thought. I would get angry at myself and tell myself "YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS, COURTNEY! THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.  PEOPLE ARE GOING THROUGH WAY MORE DIFFICULT TRIALS THAT LEAD TO MUCH GREATER HEARTACHE!!! STOP BEING SO SELFISH!!!" But the truth is the NFL is our current trial and our current heartache. Was I truly delighting in the Lord and trusting Him in the midst of wrestling with Him? Clearly not. Was I being selfish and wanting God to respond on MY timing and with MY answers. Oh yes. But after discussing things through with a professional counselor, she helped me discover that what happened to us this football season was the event that broke my flesh down and led to the painful sanctification process and exposure of my wicked heart ("The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? -Jeremiah 17:9). Turns out, I'm not as perfect as I sometimes tend to think I am. I have spent 25 years being able to control my own life and things have truly worked out in my favor. The loss of a job is just the small incident that God used to graciously and lovingly expose me of my sin.

So, where am I going with all of this? Well, as the months have gone by and the wrestling match has ceased, here is what I have learned.

 We all are waiting on something.

We all have question marks in our life that we desperately want to replace with answers  "immediately, if not sooner." Whether we are wanting answers to our struggles with fertility, careers and job promotions, death of a loved one, disease, sadness, or hurt, this life is full of question marks and uncertainties.

So what do we do in the midst of the question marks? What do we do when we look at our life and feel like it is falling apart? What do we do in the midst of silence and waiting for God to move in the ways that WE want Him to move? I wish I had a magical formula but let me just share a few of the MANY things the Lord has taught Dustin and me in this season of our life.  

1. We don't have control. And instead of being angry with that statement, we should be freed it by it.

2. We are learning that life is so much sweeter when we stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start looking up. 

3. We are daily learning to be content in the here and the now and the current situation God has called us to be in.

4. We have learned not to make the mistake of thinking our perception of God's silence is synonymous to an answer of "No"

5. We are learning this life is not about Courtney and Dustin and what we think we deserve. This life is about our Father, who used His only Son, Jesus, who died a death He didn't deserve. 

Over and over again, the Bible both directly and indirectly discusses the topic of patience and faith. Abraham was faithful as He patiently waited for God to fulfill His promise of making Abraham the father of many nations, Moses was faithful as he patiently waited on God to fulfill His promise to lead His people out of slavery, Job was faithful as he patiently waited for God to bring him out of the trials and heart ache he faced time and time again.  But what is the most mind blowing story of faith and patience? God is patient with us in the midst of our sin because of what His Son faithfully did on the cross.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God" -Hebrews 12:1-2 (ESV)

The ESV translation says to "run with endurance" but other translations include the NIV which says to  "run with perseverance" and the KJV translation which says to "run with patience" Ah. patience. The word that rocks me to the core. What in the world does that mean? Run with patience? One of the excerpts in "Streams in the Desert" is written by George Matheson and the following is his commentary of Hebrews 12:1 and what it means to "run with patience"

"Lying down during a time of grief, or being quiet after a financial setback, certainly implies great strength, but I know of something that suggests even greater strength--the power to continue working after a setback, the power to still run with a heavy heart, and the power to perform your daily tasks with deep sorrow in your spirit. This is a Christlike thing!"

                                                                                         -George Matheson

Jesus knew the purpose He came to this earth was to bear the burden of OUR sins once and for all.  Even though Jesus waited for His ultimate heartbreaking and undeserving fate, His whole life was spent running and serving others. So isn't that what we are all called to do in the various ways of waiting?! Instead of moping about our situation, doesn't God want us to love and serve Him right where we are. Doesn't the enemy win if we are to sit and sulk and pout about the situation?! 

Although we have NO idea what is going to happen next, we refuse to let Satan win. We refuse to be defeated. We refuse to let the issues surrounding the NFL dominate our lives and our marriage. Dustin is working out harder than ever and throwing the ball more than ever. But he is also clinging to Scripture, praying, and trusting God more than ever. And isn't that EXACTLY where God wants all of us to be? Held together by the Truth of His Word and following His Spirit's lead? If Dustin's NFL career were to end today, we would be okay because we don't NEED the NFL. Are we grateful for the opportunities within the NFL? ABSOLUTELY!!! But we know and trust that God will provide us with something even greater if He leads us down a different road than the one we pictured with my husband's football career. Dustin is INCREDIBLY smart, loyal, competitive, hardworking, wise, driven, and has the greatest support system of family and friends rallying behind him because of the man he is, not because of the team he plays for. We have the most amazing people in our life who have shown us grace, love, encouragement, support, and showered us with prayers. So may we all run with patience as we wait for glimpses of hope in the midst of our circumstances. May we all run with patience as we find ways to love and serve others in the midst of the question marks. May we all run with patience as we boldly cling to the cross and trust that He will provide in His perfect way and in His perfect timing. 

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience"-Romans 8:25

Learning to Wait

As I was driving this morning, the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United   (click on song title for link to song) came on the radio. Most of us have heard the song at least 175 times, but have y'all ever ACTUALLY sat, listened, and pondered those words?

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

let me walk upon the waters

wherever You would call me

Take my deeper than my faith could ever wander

And my faith would be made stronger

In the presence of My Savior"

Um, I don't know about y'all, but these words are ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING! "Let me walk upon the waters?!!?" Um, no thank you. I like to camp where ground is underneath me and comfortable and life is steady and stable. "Take me deeper than my faith could ever wander"... I mean, NOOOOO! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT COULD MEAN?!

Turns out trusting God is easy when life is easy. Trusting God is easy when you can see Him positively at work and when your life is being filled with things of your heart's desires. When your life plans align with God's plans, it's easy to wake up and give Him an air high-five and say "WOO! GO GOD! THIS IS AWESOME! YOU ARE SO GOOD! WE ARE #BLESSED" But what happens when God pulls and plucks things from your life that you clung ever so tightly to? What happens when He strips you of things that you can't fully understand the meaning behind? Because this is currently the state of my heart. We desperately wanted to stay in Dallas, and in a very long, painful story that at the end of the day really doesn't matter, God, once again, orchestrated that He may have different plans for us. For now. We very well and would love to end up back where we began this journey,  but this very minute, we are living here with no idea what is in store for us. Do we feel like Dustin's NFL journey is over? Absolutely not. We have been so prayerful from day one about asking God to reveal to us when it is time for Dustin to hang up the cleats, and neither one of us feel like now is the time. We don't feel like this journey is over yet.

So where does this leave us? We are          waiting,        waiting,         waiting. As hard as trusting in God can be, waiting on God is even harder. The past 4 days have been BRUTAL. They have been full of fears, tears, anxiety, celebration, heart break, anger towards man and towards God, bitterness, frustration, sadness, and overall confusion. We have wrestled and questioned God while desperately clinging, holding, and pressing into His Word... reminding Him that He has promised He will take care of us.  

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:19

"All things work together for the good of those He love and have been called according to his purpose" -Romans 8:28

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning" -Psalm 30:6

The past four days I have battled. "THIS IS A SICK JOKE. GOD, WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU! WHY US?!!?? WHY DID EVENTS UNFOLD THE WAY THEY DID?!!" And as we have pressed into Scripture, something has become very clear. Being a Christ follower does not mean life will be smooth sailing and maybe a small wave will jostle our boat from time to time. Being a Christ follower actually means the complete opposite. I can't help but think of the story that we all learned in 3rd grade Sunday school about Jesus calming the storm. (see scripture here) But what a picture perfect visual we get that He has LITERALLY calmed storms time and time again. Over and over again, Scripture discusses trials and how to handle them. Why? Because being a Christ follower means we will face trial and trial again.  However, the greater Truth is this: Scripture promises He will bring us through these trials and that from them, we will be more like Jesus.  

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your face produces steadfastness" -James 1:2-3

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us"             -Romans 5:3-5

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world" -John 16:33

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" -Isaiah 41:10

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer" -Romans 12:12

Let's be honest. I don't see our situation as joyful. I don't want to celebrate this season of uncertainty. However, what I can celebrate is the hope that there is a Divine purpose behind it all. So as we face this current trial of the unknown, we are learning what it means to wait on God. We don't know the purpose of our current situation, but we know that God is sovereign and in control. We know that we can trust Him, whether that is today, two weeks from now, or ten years from now. We are holding on to the hope that He will see us through this. 

"The Lord is good to those who wait from him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord" -Lamentations 3:25-26

"Blessed are those who wait for him" -Isaiah 30:18

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord" -Psalm 27:14

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain" -1 Corinthians 15:58

A couple that we met through church that have become our dear friends/mentors/marriage counselors/people we have laughed and cried with gave us a devotional book called "Streams in the Desert" and this is a short blurb from yesterday's devotional: (click on book title for link)

"There are two ways of getting out of a trial. One is to simply try to get rid of the trial, and be thankful when it is over. The other is to recognize the trial as a challenge from God to claim a larger blessing than we have ever had, and to hail it with delight as an opportunity of obtaining a larger measure of Divine grace."

ARE. YOU. NOT. MIND. BLOWN!?! How that speaks to my soul! As much as I want answers and want to know what happens next RIGHT NOW, this is an opportunity for us to claim Him more than ever. This is an opportunity for growth and learning how to let Him guide our steps. Right now, the verse that I'm clinging on to is this (coincidentally, given to me by the wife of the above couple): 

 "And the Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear, or be dismayed" - Deuteronomy 31:8

Y'all. God is ahead of Dustin and I. He knows our future and has already written it out.  As fearful as I am of the unknown, how beautiful and sweet it is knowing He will be with us every step of the way. If learning to wait means I get to see more of who He is, then yes, I absolutely am #blessed 

Learning to Trust Lesson #184

I know this may come as a shocker to many... But y'all.. I am a stresser. My whole life I have stressed about grades, perfectionism, punctuality, performance, seeking people's approval, and just uncertainties of this life in general. As much as I feel like I have become less of a worrier due to a LOT of prayer and the Lord helping me and graciously stripping my heart, sin patterns are so hard to break and I still struggle with anxiety and lacking control when it comes to my husband's career. The past month has been FULL of anxiety and stress for me. Will the Cowboys keep Dustin this year? What happens if we leave? We've made this place our home! We love the team and our football family here! We have family here! We have friends here! We have an amazing support system here! I have a job and girls that I love here! My D-Group and our church and people who have fed us and helped us grow spiritually are here! God, PLEASE don't pull us from this place! And my thoughts get wrapped up in holding Dallas so tightly in my hands and not wanting to leave that the tighter I squeeze the more anxious I feel about the thought of leaving. And this cycle of squeezing tighter and tighter leads me to a downward spiral driven by anxiety and stress .

 Watching Dustin play is beyond nerve wracking. Imagine sitting in on your husband's job interview for his dream job... But he's interviewing in front of hundreds of thousands of people.. All of whom have an opinion on whether he is competent enough to do the job and think they can do it better than he can. Imagine sitting, watching, and listening to people analyze your husband's every move and every decision on repeat over and over again, thinking they know every detail that went into the play. As wives of any professional athlete, this is HARD. As women, we sit and watch our men and our future before our very eyes and there is nothing we can say or do to change that. As women, we want control and want to have an opinion on where we live and what our life looks like, but with our husband's careers, we have zero control and all we can do is love and support our men through their struggles, trials, and triumphs.. All while doing it in the public eye. 

As I was reading my Bible tonight, Matthew 6:25-34  jumped out at me and I literally felt like I had been slapped across the face. Being a life long worrier, Matthew 6 has been shown to me at least 100 times.. But tonight's reading of it was different: this time I felt the Holy Spirit opening up my heart in a completely different way. I spend so much of my time in the stands stressing and praying about Dustin's performance. I spend so much energy questioning God and reminding Him "Hey, remember what You have done in our lives so far? Remember how much You have provided for us in ways we don't deserve and how we never actually saw our life taking this unique and amazing path? Yeah, well DON'T FORGET ABOUT US NOW. DON'T FORGET YOU ARE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT US HERE!" and it's like I end up pointing my finger at Him screaming "DON'T YOU DARE ABANDON US!" But, as I stress and pace and wonder and allow my mind to run wild, I can't help but question: am I really trusting Him with this? Does worrying about D's performance make me love Jesus more and stir my affections for Him? Does my soul feel better after it has spent so much time feeling anxious? Absolutely not! Worry and stress are my ways of saying, "God, like, I know you SAY You have it under control.. But do You really? Do I REALLY and TRULY trust You in this process?" Me stressing about us leaving Dallas cannot change anything. Me stressing during games cannot change how Dustin plays or how his coaches feel about him.  What stress can do is say "God, I don't trust You" and it can steal the joy, happiness, and excitement from those around us who have loved, encouraged, and supported us along in this journey. But what if I turned my worry into prayers of joy and thanksgiving and excitement? What if instead of stressing about interceptions and incompletions, I pressed into the Lord and looked to Him for comfort and peace, remembering He is faithful. And as a wife, isn't this the best way I can love Dustin? By encouraging and trusting in his work ethic, ability, and God-given talents? The best way I can support him is by outwardly expressing my joy and satisfaction in this life and that no matter what happens, reminding him that he will always be loved because of the man he is, not because of the number and jersey he wears. A wise friend told me a while back that home is where Dustin and I are together. For now Dallas is our home, but if we were to move, that new place would be our home. The day we said our "I dos" we vowed to be committed to one another no matter what. I vowed to stand up for him, to honor him and to serve him with the same sacrificial love that Christ has for the church. My love for my husband goes way deeper and way beyond his career as a Dallas Cowboy or whatever it will be when this season of life is done. Sure, he's not perfect. Our marriage is NO WHERE close to being perfect. But God has been so faithful to us.. Why would he stop now? Dallas Cowboy or not, I trust that His plans are so much better than my own. They always have been.. So why would this stop now? Sure, we are going to face challenges in this life... We are going to struggle, but I have to remind myself that I serve a HUGE and SOVEREIGN God who already knows where we are going to be this season and 15 seasons down the road. How comforting is it knowing no matter how Dustin plays, His plan for our life will occur?! Dustin could have the best game or worst game and no coach or executive can stop God's plans for our life from occurring. As Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a human heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" As much as we want to stay in Dallas, it is ultimately out of my hands and even out of Dustin's, but our future is in the hands of the Creator of the universe. 

  

 My future is in the hands of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He is faithful to His promises, faithful to His people. And that alone is so reassuring. Cowboys or not.. NFL or not.. He is going to provide for us in ways that He will get the glory and He will be known. As John 3:30 so sweetly reminds me "He must increase but I must decrease" 

MARRIAGE IS AWESOME BUT IS ALSO THE MOST CHALLENGING THING. Can I just express that really quickly? I realize I have absolutely very little wisdom to add to this since I have been married for a whopping year, but in that year I have realized just how great and sanctifying marriage is. Yes, Dustin and I get to do life together, we get to make decisions together (some easy and some hard), we get to see each other every day, we will one day start a family of our own, we know each other on the deepest and most intimate levels and there is nothing about me that Dustin doesn't know about and vice versa. Sure, we get to laugh and have meaningful conversation with each other every day. But over the past year and a couple months, I have been so incredibly thankful for someone who daily encourages me to be more like Jesus. We have had and will continue to have our trials, but during these various trials, I have realized that Dustin's strengths are my absolute weaknesses.  He is always positive, and I tend to be more negative.   He thinks long and hard before he speaks, I say whatever is on my mind and often end up thinking "oh man, I probably shouldn't have said that" then proceed by texting an apology to whomever I offended. His motto in life is "calm and confident".. and mine tends to be "stress and be a nervous nelly all of the time" If our purpose is to glorify our Creator in every aspect of our life, how grateful I am for someone who will stop me dead in my tracks and say "wait, hold on, let's look at this a different way." If marriage is meant to model Christ's love for the church, then we must hold our marriage covenant with the highest regard and it must be characterized by sacrificial, steadfast love, respect, and forgiveness.  Now, lets not get too crazy... there are some days (maybe a lot) that we struggle with this. By NOOOO means do we have a perfect marriage, but hey, its a marathon, not a race, right?! There are many times that we both get sick of each other, disagree, and see things from completely different perspectives. There are times when he drives me crazy and even more times when I drive him crazy. We are both learning some major lessons of patience in this season of life but in completely different ways.  He is going through things that no one who hasn't done what he is doing, can possibly understand. But, as his wife, all I can do is pray for him, love him, encourage him, and do my best to take over the other aspects of our life that he just doesn't have the time or energy to think about. Does he love working while I get to travel, stay home, and enjoy being able to do things that I wouldn't be able to if I was working full time in a hospital? Not really, but he loves being able to provide and he loves knowing I am beyond thankful and happy to be able to do those things I am passionate about outside of nursing. Do I love cleaning, cooking, packing, moving, figuring out all the logistics of life in Dallas? Not really, but I love knowing that when he gets home, he can physically and mentally relax because life at home is calm and fairly under control (minus the smell of burnt cookies--still working on these sub-par baking skills of mine).  Anyway, I am just so thankful for this guy of mine. What an unbelievable journey we have had the past 7 years!

prom '08

DUSTIN MADE THE 53 MAN ROSTER! THANK YOU LORD FOR ALL OF THESE UNDESERVED BLESSINGS!

But, wait, let me backtrack to how he got to this point. So the game in San Diego was absolutely insane! Dustin got in and played with such poise and confidence that it immediately demanded people's attention. To put it lightly, we (Gina, Scott, Dillon, and I) were complete fools. Well, okay, Gina, Dillon, and I were complete fools. Dustin clearly gets his poise from his father (although I know he wanted to scream and act like the rest of us... the doctor in him just makes him better at hiding his emotions in PUBLIC but we all know he was boiling with pride and excitement inside.)  I met a couple of the women after the game (they knew who we were with because we were the idiots in the stands going nuts even though the Cowboys were losing) and the girls ended up staying in Oxnard while I was there. They were SO welcoming and inviting and that really eased some anxiety I had. The Cowboys came home for good on August 15 and played the Ravens the next day. Dustin threw his first TD and of course, we all went insane! They then went down and played in Miami and he got playing time in the fourth quarter to which it was.. well.. just kinda uneventful. He went into a lot of detail about the events of that game but like I have said before, I still have no idea what he is talking about when he talks football with me. To summarize how he felt about the game "it was alright." The fouth preseason game was huge for him as the Cowboys played the Broncos and Dustin played for 2 1/2 quarters. One thing that has been absolutely amazing has been the support we have received from so many people. We have received so many texts, facebook messages, tweets, phone calls, etc. with people expressing their support and love. From our families to our friends to our hometown community to our college communities to people we have never met before, people have let us know how proud they are of Dustin. In fact, we have gotten some good laughs in because the support has been... overwhelming at times. But we know that people have been praying for Dustin and it means the world to us that so many people are excited for us. What a complete blessing to know we have SO many people praying for us and encouraging us along in this journey.  His parents have been so great throughout this entire time and have done such an amazing job of balancing being Dustin's proud parents and respecting him being an adult. That may not make any sense... but it works in my head, so we'll just go with it. But anyway, they are just.. so awesome and I am BEYOND thankful for those two. How I want to pray constantly and love and think of others first as Gina does. How I want Dustin to be just like his dad: wise, patient, and respected by all. Although people can look up articles and watch the Cowboys play, what most people don't see is the journey these players go through on a day to day basis. What a privilege it has been to watch my husband face this battle every single day. He wakes up around 5:30, goes to work, comes home around 5, we talk about our days, he may take a short nap or watch tv for a little bit, we have dinner once Blaine and Sam come home, then he spends the next couple of hours on his iPad watching and re-winding film, and occasionally adding insight to whatever the rest of us are chatting about or doing. This process can be brutal on these guys with the constant "what-ifs" rolling through their mind. I tell Dustin every day how proud I am because I have been been beyond amazed how he has handled the pressure and stress of having a job that can have such a "revolving door" aspect to it. He is confident in his God-given abilities, is beyond smart and such a quick learner, and puts his whole heart and effort into playing for the Dallas Cowboys. Dustin is so patient with this process and is truly the hardest worker I know. So, for those of y'all who are proud.. be even prouder because his hard work, passion, humility, and love for the game is 100% genuine.  He is such an amazing husband who makes sure he hugs and kisses me every day and asks me every day how I am doing with everything. Let me say, I am SO glad he is the one with the job he has and not me.. because there have been days I have been a crying, stressed out, emotional mess.  The over-achieving Courtney who has had her life planned out from day one, has had some major growth this summer learning to completely trust in the Lord's plan for our lives and learning how to be content in every situation... even if that means being 24, unemployed, and being still at home (with a bum foot) more than I would like. Anyway, I could go on and on but that would just embarrass him even more that I probably already have.  So finishing up. Just a fun story to finish with. So two weeks ago, I was walking to the bathroom at night and stubbed my toe on a metal bar stool. Welll... I looked down and my pinky toe was at a 45 degree angle out and completely twisted so my toenail was facing the outside of my foot. Anyway, I laughed and made sure and showed Dustin, Sam, and Blaine before Dustin decided he would put it back into place. (PS. I am the most accident prone, klutz of a human being.. thanks for passing that trait down to me, mom). Well, a couple trips to a doctor's office later, I find out my toe wasn't dislocated, but was broken and Dustin realigned it for me. The orthopedic surgeon I saw said he was very impressed with Dustin's work. So, I guess those years of shadowing Dr. Parker in Amarillo really paid off! Anyway, for those concerned, my toe is still intact and healing well.  DUSTIN IS A DALLAS COWBOY!