Learning to Trust Lesson #184

I know this may come as a shocker to many... But y'all.. I am a stresser. My whole life I have stressed about grades, perfectionism, punctuality, performance, seeking people's approval, and just uncertainties of this life in general. As much as I feel like I have become less of a worrier due to a LOT of prayer and the Lord helping me and graciously stripping my heart, sin patterns are so hard to break and I still struggle with anxiety and lacking control when it comes to my husband's career. The past month has been FULL of anxiety and stress for me. Will the Cowboys keep Dustin this year? What happens if we leave? We've made this place our home! We love the team and our football family here! We have family here! We have friends here! We have an amazing support system here! I have a job and girls that I love here! My D-Group and our church and people who have fed us and helped us grow spiritually are here! God, PLEASE don't pull us from this place! And my thoughts get wrapped up in holding Dallas so tightly in my hands and not wanting to leave that the tighter I squeeze the more anxious I feel about the thought of leaving. And this cycle of squeezing tighter and tighter leads me to a downward spiral driven by anxiety and stress .

 Watching Dustin play is beyond nerve wracking. Imagine sitting in on your husband's job interview for his dream job... But he's interviewing in front of hundreds of thousands of people.. All of whom have an opinion on whether he is competent enough to do the job and think they can do it better than he can. Imagine sitting, watching, and listening to people analyze your husband's every move and every decision on repeat over and over again, thinking they know every detail that went into the play. As wives of any professional athlete, this is HARD. As women, we sit and watch our men and our future before our very eyes and there is nothing we can say or do to change that. As women, we want control and want to have an opinion on where we live and what our life looks like, but with our husband's careers, we have zero control and all we can do is love and support our men through their struggles, trials, and triumphs.. All while doing it in the public eye. 

As I was reading my Bible tonight, Matthew 6:25-34  jumped out at me and I literally felt like I had been slapped across the face. Being a life long worrier, Matthew 6 has been shown to me at least 100 times.. But tonight's reading of it was different: this time I felt the Holy Spirit opening up my heart in a completely different way. I spend so much of my time in the stands stressing and praying about Dustin's performance. I spend so much energy questioning God and reminding Him "Hey, remember what You have done in our lives so far? Remember how much You have provided for us in ways we don't deserve and how we never actually saw our life taking this unique and amazing path? Yeah, well DON'T FORGET ABOUT US NOW. DON'T FORGET YOU ARE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT US HERE!" and it's like I end up pointing my finger at Him screaming "DON'T YOU DARE ABANDON US!" But, as I stress and pace and wonder and allow my mind to run wild, I can't help but question: am I really trusting Him with this? Does worrying about D's performance make me love Jesus more and stir my affections for Him? Does my soul feel better after it has spent so much time feeling anxious? Absolutely not! Worry and stress are my ways of saying, "God, like, I know you SAY You have it under control.. But do You really? Do I REALLY and TRULY trust You in this process?" Me stressing about us leaving Dallas cannot change anything. Me stressing during games cannot change how Dustin plays or how his coaches feel about him.  What stress can do is say "God, I don't trust You" and it can steal the joy, happiness, and excitement from those around us who have loved, encouraged, and supported us along in this journey. But what if I turned my worry into prayers of joy and thanksgiving and excitement? What if instead of stressing about interceptions and incompletions, I pressed into the Lord and looked to Him for comfort and peace, remembering He is faithful. And as a wife, isn't this the best way I can love Dustin? By encouraging and trusting in his work ethic, ability, and God-given talents? The best way I can support him is by outwardly expressing my joy and satisfaction in this life and that no matter what happens, reminding him that he will always be loved because of the man he is, not because of the number and jersey he wears. A wise friend told me a while back that home is where Dustin and I are together. For now Dallas is our home, but if we were to move, that new place would be our home. The day we said our "I dos" we vowed to be committed to one another no matter what. I vowed to stand up for him, to honor him and to serve him with the same sacrificial love that Christ has for the church. My love for my husband goes way deeper and way beyond his career as a Dallas Cowboy or whatever it will be when this season of life is done. Sure, he's not perfect. Our marriage is NO WHERE close to being perfect. But God has been so faithful to us.. Why would he stop now? Dallas Cowboy or not, I trust that His plans are so much better than my own. They always have been.. So why would this stop now? Sure, we are going to face challenges in this life... We are going to struggle, but I have to remind myself that I serve a HUGE and SOVEREIGN God who already knows where we are going to be this season and 15 seasons down the road. How comforting is it knowing no matter how Dustin plays, His plan for our life will occur?! Dustin could have the best game or worst game and no coach or executive can stop God's plans for our life from occurring. As Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a human heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" As much as we want to stay in Dallas, it is ultimately out of my hands and even out of Dustin's, but our future is in the hands of the Creator of the universe. 

  

 My future is in the hands of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He is faithful to His promises, faithful to His people. And that alone is so reassuring. Cowboys or not.. NFL or not.. He is going to provide for us in ways that He will get the glory and He will be known. As John 3:30 so sweetly reminds me "He must increase but I must decrease"